I just feel like I need to wordvomit this out (because that’s what it feels like when these moods come on me, it feels like I need to get it out of me, like keeping it in is impossible), as I open up drafts in my emails to write audition/consideration requests I probably will just close and forget about.
Please enjoy the Boston Play Cafe’s newest episode: a reading of a ten minute noir parody, The Maltese Walter!
I was going to write a commentary, but instead (in the spirit of being brave and not apologizing for myself, which if I make resolutions should probably be one of them!) I will leave it here (and post my commentary later on, since it relates to other posts I’ve talked about writing). I will mention that they pronounce my middle name incorrectly, hee!
Happy New Year to you all, dear readers and watchers and listeners! I hope to interact more with all of you in the coming year while we all support each other on our journeys. I hope the coming year treats you with kindness, and you treat yourselves with compassion. I hope your year is full of all the people and things that you love, and I hope the world is kinder. Thank you all for every good thought and kind word you’ve sent my way over the years; I am forever and always humbled by the kindness shown me, and I hope to continue to try to pay it back. <3 A bright new year to you all!
Good evening, my dear readers!
I hope you have all had a lovely holiday season thus far, and I am sharing a little musical throwback with you since I have been remiss about updating lately. I have something else I want to share soon but I haven’t quite worked up the nerve yet.
Here’s “Auld Lang Syne” from the 2012 Christmas album Maestro and I did – it’s probably one of my favorites, and I hope you enjoy it!
Things I did these past couple weeks:
- Submitted for a bunch of stuff I am sure I won’t get
- Including a recorded video of me singing
- Had a minor (?) meltdown about what I look like (again)
- Realized that’s probably why I haven’t recorded any more vlogs
- Realized you all probably don’t want to hear about my body image issues for the umpteenth time
- Refrained from posting about that
- Thought about it again
- Decided I really should make a post about it for real at some point as it does inform a lot of what I write about here (and also my various dysfunctions when it comes to acting/etc)
- Got halfway through writing this (bullet point list) post and gave up
- Had another audition
I’m kind of at a loss about this and don’t feel super-equipped to talk about it at the moment. But here I am posting about it anyway because it’s been so long since my last post!
On the other hand, I was informed that I got the part that I auditioned for a couple weeks ago! The character is described as something like “a girl next door, or a femme fatale. You know, depending.” (Which I love, obviously!) The nature of the project means that I might actually get to share that with you – stay tuned to hear more about that!
Today in “Should I Submit For This Or Not”:
- Someone looking for an ATTRACTIVE FEMALE (allcaps theirs). “If you do NOT match the criteria, you need not apply.” Errr, seeing as how that’s the only criteria they list…I’m gonna go with “no.”
- A paid political commercial!…that I’m pretty sure is for a candidate I wouldn’t support!
(but it’s paid!) (but my PRINCIPLES)
- Why do I keep getting calls for 18-year-old characters? I am so much older than that.
In other news, I finally got my hair fixed, so I’ll be booking my headshot appointment soon. YAY FINALLY YOU’LL PROBABLY NOT HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT THIS UNTIL THE NEXT TIME I CHANGE MY HAIR
In other other news, I have an audition on Wednesday and I’ve been nursing a cold for far too long. I’m done being sick, world! At least I don’t have to sing for the audition.
In other other other news, I’m working on an aria in my singing lessons now for the first time in…uhhh years? And frankly, I couldn’t be happier with that. <3 I still think I should probably get back on recording videos to talk more about that but I haven’t figured out a good place to do that in my new abode – the light isn’t great. I should figure that out soon.
I hope you’re all having a lovely week and enjoying your October so far! <3
I can definitely think of some things that might help with that today, and I’m going to take as best advantage of that as I possibly can.
In other news, despite the fact that I just seriously picked up the guitar over the past couple of months and have mainly been working on memorizing chord fingering and scale fingering and that sort of thing (you know, theory and technique and all that rather than diving into songs), I learned how to play my first song in less than a week. So far the hardest part of learning the guitar (for me) has been learning to strum properly, so I figured if I forced myself to learn to play along with something that would help. And it did!
I’ve had some emotional setbacks recently, but with the help of a few truly wonderful people that believe in me constantly and wholeheartedly, and the driving force of not letting myself wallow in sadness and instead using the way I felt to drive me to work to get better, I feel like I am back on my feet emotionally. (Wow, let’s talk about that run-on sentence there. That is a serious run-on sentence.)
And now my late-Saturday-morning/early-Saturday-afternoon ritual of coffee, breakfast, perusing auditions and browsing Tumblr continues!
First things first: I did change my hair! It’s trimmed and darker and I hate it. Ha! I dislike it enough that I am waiting to get it fixed before I get my headshots taken (that appointment was scheduled for earlier today).
(If you’d like to take a peek at my folly, this is what it looks like.)
The real point of today’s post is this, though: I feel like I’ve had quite a lot of near-misses lately. Lots of callbacks and getting pretty far in the audition process and having people contact me/pick me out specifically from the online things I’ve submitted for…and I’ve still not gotten any actual jobs.
Maestro made the comment that “it’s like you’re trying to hit a target on the wall, but it’s so small, it’s just a dot. And you’re licking gummi bears and throwing them at the wall, trying to get them to stick to the dot. You just have to keep licking gummi bears.” He was very proud of this metaphor. (Nerd.)
It’s tough, because I am glad that I’m at least getting some interest? But on the other hand, I’m a little disheartened, because I’ve failed to secure anything. There’s a whole host of things that could be going on here but of course my mind goes to “oh you’re actually kind of weird looking on camera” or “oh you’re not a very good actress” as the primary things that I’m sure must be happening.
But – you know, I guess I just have to keep submitting and auditioning (and I have to get my hair fixed so I can have a proper headshot). Honing my work, getting my audition monologues up to par. Keep throwing those gummi bears and see what sticks.
No news is not good news, y’all.
No news is just no news.
I’ve actually really enjoyed auditioning for the last handful of things I’ve auditioned for (redundancy, thy name is the Acting Ingenue). The people I’ve auditioned for have been helpful and kind and upbeat and informative, and the auditions themselves have been relatively quick and painless. (With the exception for the one where I waited 3+ hours because it was a call for both Equity and non-Equity. They were still very kind! And the audition itself was very quick! I just have my doubts as to whether or not they even heard me at all after that amount of time listening to people sing. I know by then I was just hungry and tired, not even really nervous anymore, I can’t imagine how they felt.) I’ve felt positive about every one of them, and had my positive feelings reinforced by the feedback I received.
But it still stings when you don’t hear back. There’s at least two of them that I was told I’ll hear back either way – if I got it or if I didn’t – but I’ve heard nothing so far and that’s still disheartening.
Dear casting directors of the world: even a form letter, I swear, would go a long way.
In any case, because I booked myself so busy for the past couple of weeks I don’t have a ton coming up this week or next (since I didn’t put as much time or effort in to looking for new things), though I do have a couple of things coming up.
Things I would like to keep in mind going forward:
- don’t lose momentum!
- I need to audition for more musicals!
- and maybe choirs or choruses or something?
- HEADSHOTS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I NEED REAL HEADSHOTS.
- (which means I need to decide on what to do with my hair)
- practice practice practice practice practice!
- if it’s important enough you’ll find a way to keep moving forward.
And with that, the Acting Ingenue, signing off!!
So you know, other than the fact that I’m a ridiculous and sometimes embarrassing human being, that audition went well.
I have a feeling I won’t know how that went unless I get it, which is fine! I think it went okay – the character had changed since I last auditioned, I got to find out what the actual project is, etc etc.
I got through my recorded audition and my Skype audition as well (my laptop does not have a webcam, but I do apparently have a Skype account if you were wondering!). It was my first Skype audition and only my second recorded audition, which – blehhhh, I really hate recorded auditions but that could be because
- I hate watching my face
- I hate monologues/not having anyone to read off of
- I really don’t think I come across well on camera facewise (I FEEL LIKE THIS MAY BE A PROBLEM?)
- Since I can watch it back over I start analyzing and overanalyzing and wondering “well wait a minute maybe I can’t actually act at all?”
- related to that, if I’m not pleased with a recording I do it over and over until maybe it actually IS terrible but I can’t actually tell anymore?
- also, my face.
Anyway. (It’s amazing how quickly I can go from “wow look at me go! I’m doing things I’m afraid of even though I’m afraid!” to “wow I am a troll, why does anyone let me out of the house?”)
So this week, I have a singing lesson today and then an audition on Thursday. It’ll be my first audition with any kind of singing in…quite some time, actually, so Maestro has been kind enough to help me run my two cuts of sixteen bars into the ground. (The neighbors are confused, I’m sure.) Someday soon I should make a post (or gasp! a video!) about my new singing teacher and how much I am learning in and enjoying lessons nowadays!
Life’s pretty good here at Chez Acting Ingenue (well, Chez Muse and Maestro, unless this blog is my house?) and I can’t really ask for anything more.
Sending out love and encouragement and happiness to you all, since I seem to have an excess of it at the moment! ^^;;;
Okay, so! I spoke too soon! Posted too soon! You know what I mean!
I did actually get called back for the thing that I thought I hadn’t gotten called back for! (…I’m an actress, not an English teacher, what do you want from me? Correct sentence structure?) I just found out earlier today, so: YAY!!!
It’s actually going to be kind of a busy week or so for me –
- The callback for that (on Friday)
- Video audition (to record & send out this week)
- Skype audition (have to schedule, but probably this week) (…do I even have Skype? does this laptop have a webcam???)
- Another fairly big audition (next week; singing involved, ahh!)
I feel like there’s something else I’m forgetting but I’m forgetting it so clearly I don’t remember.
It’s nice to feel motivated and as though my motivation is actually gaining momentum. Not that I expect anything out of these auditions (I never expect anything, let’s be real), but it doesn’t feel completely hopeless.
I guess Maestro was right: “you need to not care so much.” Not in that I shouldn’t have passion, not that I shouldn’t be invested. Obviously I should feel those things, but caring about things like – am I too fat to audition for this, shouldn’t I have a proper headshot and a real haircut, I’m not a ~sexy~ girl I can’t audition for that, I can’t sing I shouldn’t audition for these things. And on and on and on.
Maybe all those things are true. Who cares? Let them decide. I can’t make up their minds for them.