it’s been such a long time. I think I should be going.

I am sorry for the silence lately, everyone!

I’m sort of re-evaluating things in light of the new year – resolutions, the direction I expect my life to be taking at this point. You know, all the usual new-year stuff. A lot of it is fairly personal, so I don’t have much to write about at the moment.

But even before the new year, I didn’t write much in the past couple of months. In truth, there was not an awful lot to write about with regards to acting, since I didn’t audition for anything while I was working my Halloween and Christmas jobs (and I’d sort of exhausted that topic already). I haven’t been to a singing lesson in months, and what I did write about was the Secret Government Eggo Project – which seems to have gotten a good reception, at least by friends and family. :)

Hopefully in the next few weeks I’ll be able to write more clearly about what my goals for the year are. (I honestly don’t remember what my “New Year’s Resolutions” were other than the fact that I wasn’t allowed to give up singing for one of them and I wasn’t allowed to lose thirty pounds for the other.) As of right now, I’m just looking for things to audition for and wondering about how I’m going to pay for my singing lessons if I do take them back up again. Any further into the future just gets a little fuzzy and hard to focus on for too long.

Hopefully soon, though…!

a real actress!

Dear readers, I have wonderfully good news to impart to you today!

Your protagonist for the duration of this blog, one acting ingénue, is now officially a working actress!

Or, as Satine would say:

"a REAL actress!"

a REAL actress!

Hee! :D

This is the audition I mentioned in my last post, obliquely. It is for a museum in Salem, Massachusetts for the duration of the Halloween season. (Thankfully – THANKFULLY – the performances don’t start until after my bff D’s wedding!) I love Salem, I love Halloween, I love Victorian literature – especially Gothic novels!, I love history, and I love, love, love, love, LOVE feeling as though people believe in what I can do!

I got the job before I even left the audition, which is rare (to say the least) – the director pulled me aside on the conceit that she was asking me how far I’d had to drive but as people started to filter out she told me that she definitely wanted to cast me (though she wasn’t sure in which part, yet). :D! I cannot even begin to express how thrilled I am that she wanted to cast me right off the bat – !!

I also talked to her about possibly coming to do the Christmas show, depending on who she has coming back from last year, which would be amazing as well!

Unfortunately, I had to “give notice” for Grease yesterday as well. As sad as it was – and it was sad! the director and the stage manager both went “nooooooo!!” when I told them – they were all very happy for me, and I didn’t burn any bridges. They told me definitely to come back if they’re doing something in the future. I was glad that I went down in person to talk to them about it instead of chickening out and calling (like I wanted to).

Tonight was my very first rehearsal and I couldn’t be more excited!!

sfogati, ammazzami!

Second singing lesson with GG last night!

Weirdly, I’m not really sure how to start writing, but not because it was a bad lesson. Usually if I feel strange about starting a new post it’s because the lesson (or audition, etc) was bad and I don’t want to deal with it.

Last night was a terribly hot evening (and today a terribly hot and humid day), so GG procured us a space in an air condiditoned building, thank goodness. I was warm enough singing in the air-conditioned space, I can’t imagine what it would have been like otherwise.

It was another really GOOD lesson. I really love leaving a voice lesson feeling as though I learned something about my own voice and about singing properly and about music in general, all of which I felt I had the opportunity to learn last night.

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I must become a lion-hearted girl.

knave of pentacles

daily tarot for 7/1:

The Knave of Pentacles card suggests that my power today lies in recognition. I am enthusiastic about, and take pride in, my newfound validation or potential and will use it as a motivator towards greater things. My asset is self-worth.

Last night, after work, I caught the Orange Line in to Boston. I was accosted by a bunch of Mormon boys in suits and ties and shiny shiny shoes (but only in the politest of ways, of course). (I chatted with one of them about classical music and that the fact that people expect you to know what should do with your life at eighteen is kind of silly.)

I made my way to Jordan Hall at the New England Conservatory with zero problems, which is unusual for me (Miss No-Sense-of-Direction). I was early so I went to Panera across the street and bought a bottle of water and tried very hard not to throw up. Auditions are scary, of course, but singing auditions are yet scarier, and singing for the co-chair of the New England Conservatory’s voice program to be placed into private lessons is doubleplusungood scary.
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maybe I’m on nobody’s side!

Saturday I ventured into Boston to interview with John Robert Powers, which presents itself as an agency and a school.

It is, as I suspected, a bit of a scam. A very expensive scam. Of course, they adored me, and wanted to book an appointment to get me all signed up right away, which at the time I thought was very exciting and flattering (advanced classes, they said! beautiful coloring, they told me!). Once I did a little bit of research I called them back to cancel (since my appointment was supposed to be today).

I am getting better at being savvy and doing my research. A couple of years ago I would have given them my money because they told me I was pretty. A legitimate agency, as far as I can tell, will not hold classes and expect you to pay for them to work with the agency.

Acquiring a set of jade-colored glasses does have its benefits, I suppose. My next adventure is looking into a possible switch of voice instruction and finding a legitimate agent or agency to take me on.

I also heard from K, who directed Into the Woods, and she wants me to come out to audition for Grease, which might be fun! I’m flattered that she thought of me. :D

Oh. And the piano-bar-act that PC and I were thinking about doing probably is not going to happen, for various personal reasons. I wish I could say I’m surprised, but.

I’m taking my time, but I don’t know where.

Well, I really have been doing things other than making pie-in-the-sky plans and dutifully going to my weekly singing lesson, though I have to say my singing lessons are usually the highlight of my week (no matter how badly they go).

I’ve been at home almost an entire year now, and despite everything, not very much has changed in my circumstances. Because I am self-sabotaging in many ways, I haven’t been able to progress as far as I would have liked – would have hoped – okay, would have expected to in the last year or so. Self-sabotage due to low self-esteem, not the most productive of issues. It is ridiculously hard for me to work up the courage to audition for anything, never mind the idea of changing my life and lifestyle so decisively.

What it comes down to is that: I am safe here. I know I am. There is no risk involved in being an office drone. Even if I were to move out there is no risk involved. I am safe and coddled and stagnating and I hate it. My life is cold and sterile and the energy involved in putting any sort of effort in drains me ten times as much as it ought to; I have no room or energy for creativity in my life because my soul is being drained away.

So something needs to change, and the thing that needs to change is me.

First of all, I need to actually commit to losing weight and working out on a regular basis. Will I talk about that here? Sure won’t.

Among other things, I’ve started to ask around as to how one gets signed with an agent. I don’t actually know anyone in the business, but I know people who know people. Earlier this week I started sending out headshots and résumés to a bunch of casting agencies. I also put up a listing on one of the bigger actor search engines (for lack of a better term?) with a headshot and resume.

I already heard back from one of the casting agencies that I sent my headshot to, and it hasn’t even been a week yet. I have an appointment to go meet with someone in July, even. I may get there and it might be a total scam, but at least I’m putting one foot in front of the other. I need to keep sending out more headshots, but I suppose it’s a start, at least!



In other news, I’ve started mirroring my blog over at livejournal as well, so one can also find me there!

>…and happy ever after!

>daily tarot for January 23 2010:

“The Ten of Chalices card suggests that my power today lies in completion. I celebrate and am grateful for captured moments of simple perfection. Satisfying my hearts desire connects me by example to love, beauty, pleasure, and happiness in those around me and gives me confidence to take it to the next level. “”We made it.”” Unconditional love makes a family and home is where the heart is, so at last, I am never alone. I am empowered by gratitude and my gift is emotional fulfillment.”

As sad as it is that we only had one weekend of shows, it made for some very apt Facebook status updates: “One midnight gone!” “Two midnights gone!” “The third midnight is near!”

I meant to write after one of the first two shows, but between getting in after one in the morning both nights, having to put my hair in rollers and then take it out and pin it up to fit under my wig cap, and having to bake three dozen cookies for the concession stand, I really only had a few minutes to spare. I ended up starting an entry but it doesn’t make any sense now that the show is over.

In general, the show went really, really well. I am so incredibly lucky to have been able to play a part I always wanted to play with a cast full of talented, welcoming, kind people. I’d done one show with this group before, but it was so lovely to be welcomed back with open arms. Especially since I hadn’t done a show with them in over a year, the reason being my then-upcoming nuptials.

I still felt like that weird girl in the corner, but…less so than usual.

(And really, I guess that’s okay for getting into this particular character.)

For a while, it seemed like the show was cursed. In the space of a few months, we lost a Jack, a music director, a Snow White and a Cinderella. What we gained in spite of those losses was that much better for having been hard-won.

The shows were full of magnificent energy. Saturday night was our best night (and predictably, they filmed today and Friday), full of enthusiasm and confidence from a well-played show the night before. Friday was a bit nervous, all things considered, and today was a very emotional performance for a number of reasons – not the least that it was closing night!

I wish I could say I did the best job that I know how to do, but I don’t know that I did. I let my nerves and my fear get hold of me and keep me from singing the way I wanted to. I wasn’t terrible, but I wasn’t great, either. My low notes were very shaky and any confidence I had in the higher register faltered as soon as I started hearing my notes being played…I’m not a musician, I’m not a singer, and I don’t pretend to be. I’m not saying that I let anyone down, other than myself. But then, I am always my own worst critic.

On reflection, I am incredibly glad that I didn’t take over for Cinderella. Our Cinderella – she’s a singer. She is someone with excellent musical intuition, a good sense of pitch, and a nice “clear” voice. (I don’t know that there’s another way to put that – it’s light, and steady, and not overly ornamented, which are all things I aspire to.) I can’t imagine doing a better job than she did, and I would have been killing myself trying to get up to par. (And I probably never would have.) Our entire cast was just…well-cast, really, and immensely inspiring to watch working.

All in all, it was a good show to get back in the swing of things. There are a couple of auditions coming up fairly soon that I am looking into…hopefully I’ll be able to post about those soon. That, and preparing for school auditions!

>"stop being such a coward."

>I’m starting to think maybe I should just write this stuff down in a paper journal because I can perhaps be a bit more long-winded and honest with myself there. It’s easier to scribble words down on a piece of paper than look at them in black and white on a computer screen. Or something.

Yesterday’s rehearsal was disastrous, for me. In general, it went well (the first act, especially). But my singing was terrible, basically through the whole thing. We started off working on “Our Little World” and I sounded awful and had issues with things I’ve never had issues with before (the aah-aah-aahs in the beginning and middle?! seriously??) and then C got all huffy with me (like, “what is your problem today!”) and it threw me off for the rest of the rehearsal, it seemed like. I couldn’t get any of the aah-aah-aahs for the rest of the run, for some reason. I might be (probably am!) getting sick, but that’s no excuse for getting shaken once during a rehearsal and then letting it affect the rest of my performance. What is wrong with me indeed.

Part of that might be the fact that I spent the night before with PC and L recording “Ridin’ Solo” with L on ukelele and both of us on vocals (and then making PC record the ~*~soulful piano version~*~ of the same after L went home, which was both legitimately awesome and incredibly hilarious, especially him spelling out “S-O-L-O” during the bridge).

Listening to my voice played back at me like that always unnerves me – I’ve only done it once before but last time it made me feel awful. This time it wasn’t as bad because it was both me and L and we were basically goofing off and not taking it too seriously. It came out pretty cute and he might be able to make something good out of the raw materials we recorded with him. (It sounds awesome with the accordion synths.)

After that PC and I talked about lots of things but eventually came around to the fact that the reason I don’t sound like I want to sound when I sing is because I’m afraid of it, that I’m afraid of “owning it,” is the way he put it. (Especially anything even the slightest bit outside my (teeny tiny) comfort zone.) And he’s right, I want to sing it “right” and “well,” but I don’t put any heart into it. I thought that I had started to get over that but I guess not, because clearly I was still feeling the effects of being shaken like that the next day, with C setting me off again.

I made mention of this, obliquely, earlier in this journal saying “why can’t I act when I sing?” I’m not having too much of an issue with it for Into the Woods because most of my acting while I’m singing consists of “blank and happy” or “blank and kind of crazy” anyway. But singing with MP on arias and such, it’s too hard for me to get past the I HAVE TO DO THIS PROPERLY fears and instincts to even try to emote. And that’s what it is, it’s fear: down at the base of the thing, it is fear.

I was going to go on about the fact that I am awful and shouldn’t try but that is not productive at all so I won’t.