I just wanna feel okay again.

9.27.2014horoscope

I can definitely think of some things that might help with that today, and I’m going to take as best advantage of that as I possibly can.

In other news, despite the fact that I just seriously picked up the guitar over the past couple of months and have mainly been working on memorizing chord fingering and scale fingering and that sort of thing (you know, theory and technique and all that rather than diving into songs), I learned how to play my first song in less than a week. So far the hardest part of learning the guitar (for me) has been learning to strum properly, so I figured if I forced myself to learn to play along with something that would help. And it did!

I’ve had some emotional setbacks recently, but with the help of a few truly wonderful people that believe in me constantly and wholeheartedly, and the driving force of not letting myself wallow in sadness and instead using the way I felt to drive me to work to get better, I feel like I am back on my feet emotionally. (Wow, let’s talk about that run-on sentence there. That is a serious run-on sentence.)

And now my late-Saturday-morning/early-Saturday-afternoon ritual of coffee, breakfast, perusing auditions and browsing Tumblr continues!

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but together, you and I will laugh at last night someday.

No news is not good news, y’all.

No news is just no news.

I’ve actually really enjoyed auditioning for the last handful of things I’ve auditioned for (redundancy, thy name is the Acting Ingenue). The people I’ve auditioned for have been helpful and kind and upbeat and informative, and the auditions themselves have been relatively quick and painless. (With the exception for the one where I waited 3+ hours because it was a call for both Equity and non-Equity. They were still very kind! And the audition itself was very quick! I just have my doubts as to whether or not they even heard me at all after that amount of time listening to people sing. I know by then I was just hungry and tired, not even really nervous anymore, I can’t imagine how they felt.) I’ve felt positive about every one of them, and had my positive feelings reinforced by the feedback I received.

But it still stings when you don’t hear back.  There’s at least two of them that I was told I’ll hear back either way – if I got it or if I didn’t – but I’ve heard nothing so far and that’s still disheartening.

Dear casting directors of the world: even a form letter, I swear, would go a long way.

In any case, because I booked myself so busy for the past couple of weeks I don’t have a ton coming up this week or next (since I didn’t put as much time or effort in to looking for new things), though I do have a couple of things coming up.

Things I would like to keep in mind going forward:

  • don’t lose momentum!
  • I need to audition for more musicals!
  • and maybe choirs or choruses or something?
  • HEADSHOTS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I NEED REAL HEADSHOTS.
  • (which means I need to decide on what to do with my hair)
  • practice practice practice practice practice!
  • if it’s important enough you’ll find a way to keep moving forward.

And with that, the Acting Ingenue, signing off!!

will wonders never cease?

Okay, so! I spoke too soon! Posted too soon!  You know what I mean!

I did actually get called back for the thing that I thought I hadn’t gotten called back for! (…I’m an actress, not an English teacher, what do you want from me? Correct sentence structure?)  I just found out earlier today, so: YAY!!!

It’s actually going to be kind of a busy week or so for me –

  • The callback for that (on Friday)
  • Video audition (to record & send out this week)
  • Skype audition (have to schedule, but probably this week) (…do I even have Skype? does this laptop have a webcam???)
  • Another fairly big audition (next week; singing involved, ahh!)

I feel like there’s something else I’m forgetting but I’m forgetting it so clearly I don’t remember.

It’s nice to feel motivated and as though my motivation is actually gaining momentum.  Not that I expect anything out of these auditions (I never expect anything, let’s be real), but it doesn’t feel completely hopeless.

I guess Maestro was right: “you need to not care so much.”  Not in that I shouldn’t have passion, not that I shouldn’t be invested. Obviously I should feel those things, but caring about things like – am I too fat to audition for this, shouldn’t I have a proper headshot and a real haircut, I’m not a ~sexy~ girl I can’t audition for that, I can’t sing I shouldn’t audition for these things. And on and on and on.

Maybe all those things are true. Who cares? Let them decide. I can’t make up their minds for them.

getting so much better all the time.

Eh.

Well, I put off updating for a bit because I actually had a (I thought) quite successful audition a little over a week ago, and was hoping to hear back from them. It doesn’t look likely, though – and may I add that I just hate that trend? Maybe that’s been the case all along for auditions, but nowadays that seems to happen for “regular” job interviews, as well.  I understand that it’s uncomfortable and time consuming, but even a form letter would be nice.

I dream of a day one would get some kind of constructive criticism or feedback from every job interview or audition, but I realize that’s a pipe dream.

Anyway. I never heard back from them, which bummed me out. And it’s still kind of bumming me out!  I will not lie to you! I thought I was a pretty good fit for what they wanted, but someone else must have been better.

One of the things that’s dawned on me lately is the futility of angsting over anything that I can’t change or do anything about. I can’t change my bone structure or my height. I can’t control how other people feel about me or perceive me. I can’t control whether I get a gig or not. I can’t change the fact that I didn’t start taking singing lessons until I was past twenty; I can’t change the fact that my first voice teacher wasn’t really teaching me so much as giving me an opportunity to sing. I can’t change the fact that I didn’t study music earlier in my life. Instead, what I have endeavored to do is:

  • Go for a run or do some yoga. I can change how active I am and how comfortable I am in my body.
  • Study the music theory that Maestro has given me, or practice the guitar. I can progress from where I am now, even though I can’t go back in time.
  • Look for new opportunities and submit for them. I can optimize the time I have now.
  • Practice, practice, practice, practice, practice. Breathing, singing. I can’t go back in time to convince twelve-year-old-me that a beautiful singing voice is something you have to work at, not something you’re just gifted with, but I can improve now.

It’s made an enormous impact on my day to day life, not just in my creative endeavors but in how I conduct myself in lots of other ways.  I know that this is probably not something I will be able to do every day of my life – I’m way too neurotic and angsty not to have these issues crop up again – but it’s something that I am working on doing.

And as with everything else that I’ve been practicing lately, I am getting better.

maybe you should just drink a lot less coffee.

So yesterday I drove for two hours total for about five seconds in front of a camera.

Worth it? Logically, probably not: it’s a lot of gas to waste on something that basically ended up being a modeling job (and I am NOT a model by any stretch of the imagination – if you want someone that will make your product or clothes look good or sexy, you will not be looking for tiny slightly-chubby oddly-proportioned 1-900-OK-FACE‘d me) that I don’t have a chance at.

For the sense of accomplishment that I got for actually doing it?  Yes, absolutely. The last time I had an audition like this I got lost, chickened out(/panicked), and didn’t even call to say I wasn’t coming.  This time I made it and I didn’t chicken out even when the casting director (? maybe?) yelled at me for not having a headshot.

On the other hand, this means I definitely have to get some headshots soon.

so, what happens now?

HELLO, THE INTERNET!!!!

Long time, no write (and I feel as though I start off so many of my posts like this), and for that I am sorry!  I hope you all have been keeping well while I waste a lot of my time on tumblr!

So, let’s see! A bunch of things have happened since I last wrote:

  • I finished up my fourth semester at school (fifth if you count summer classes last year)!
  • I’m trying to figure out where to go from here, education-wise, which might end up in another post.
  • I haven’t auditioned for anything, because I am lazy/scared/ashamed of how long it’s been since I’ve been out of the game (so to speak).
  • Two laptops died on me :( but I got a lovely new one!
  • I got new headshots done, but they were terrible, so now I’m back to using a arms-length selfie as a headshot. YIKES.
  • I moved out! because:
  • Maestro asked me to marry him! ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ (Link is to a gushy post on my personal tumblr, so if you’re into gushy personal posts: there it is!)

So I suppose I have been kind of busy, but it doesn’t mean that I’m letting myself off the hook. I actually have an audition tomorrow (what! yikes!), I’ve been taking singing lessons weekly for the past few months and I’ve yet to write about what a transformative experience it’s been to work with someone who cares about teaching me technique and theory and explaining the Why Is My Voice Doing This things I’ve always wondered about, Maestro and I have been working out a setlist (!!!) and he’s been teaching me guitar, and I have a couple more auditions coming up toward the end of the summer.

So there’s lots coming up here on The Acting Ingenue!  I do think my next trick will be to complete the “look” revamp of  my acting-related internet presence. I really ought to doodle something for a header on this blog (and maybe youtube and twitter and things like that).  Any ideas for that, dear readers?

vlog: December is here!

(That means November is over!)

[vimeo https://vimeo.com/81215803]

“A capital-I Issue…that’s more like a Z. A capital-Z Issue. Zissue.”

This ended up being  a ton of work (my very first “edited” video! in that I clipped out a bit and had to stitch two videos together! poorly! and then I had to figure out how to convert it! look at me learning new things!) considering I look sickly and weird here. I wanted to get this done finally though! SO HERE IT IS!

vimeo! youtube!

I can be whoever I want to be!

I was hoping to have some good news within the next few days, and it turns out…I do!

I actually did make it into the top ten for the singing competition!!

giselle_omgyay

 

I am so ridiculously thrilled, everyone!! :D  I can’t even really express!

Of course, this means I need to pick a new song – and I need to get working on it! The benefit is November 9th, so I have plenty of time.

I have a few other things in the works right now (some of which I really actually can’t talk about rather than just me being paranoid), but I needed to let everyone know about this – I’m so excited, I can’t believe it!!!!

vlog: exciting audition times!!

“…like a NERD.”

As before, I’m at both vimeo and youtube, whichever is more your viewing pleasure. :D

So, like I talked about in the video, I had an audition yesterday!

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audition prep 2013: day two!

(YEAH!)

day two: better, but omg I need new headshots

(Seriously though, I hope that picture still looks enough like me so that they’ll remember who I am.)

I didn’t get to do as much as I wanted to do today, but that means this’ll be a short post.  Which is fine, since my last one was SUPER LONG.

Obviously I did get to organize my sheet music and resumes; apparently the theme here is “yellow.”  Do you see how I cleverly cut out my last name?

I also got to practice quite a bit!  And I bought some throat-coat tea!  (I’m not actually sick but my throat has been slightly dry and scratchy and it’s always good to be prepared, like a good Boy Scout.)

I’ve had a couple of thoughts about that One Impressive Song I need for an audition that’s coming up later this month, but I’ll talk about that at some other time.  

I’m thinking about maybe even recording myself singing, to get a better idea of what I sound like.  I probably won’t post anything, but even recording it just for myself is different for me – I’ll have to force myself to actually listen to them. 

I’m actually really excited about all of this – it’s nice to feel prepared for once!