I just wanna feel okay again.

9.27.2014horoscope

I can definitely think of some things that might help with that today, and I’m going to take as best advantage of that as I possibly can.

In other news, despite the fact that I just seriously picked up the guitar over the past couple of months and have mainly been working on memorizing chord fingering and scale fingering and that sort of thing (you know, theory and technique and all that rather than diving into songs), I learned how to play my first song in less than a week. So far the hardest part of learning the guitar (for me) has been learning to strum properly, so I figured if I forced myself to learn to play along with something that would help. And it did!

I’ve had some emotional setbacks recently, but with the help of a few truly wonderful people that believe in me constantly and wholeheartedly, and the driving force of not letting myself wallow in sadness and instead using the way I felt to drive me to work to get better, I feel like I am back on my feet emotionally. (Wow, let’s talk about that run-on sentence there. That is a serious run-on sentence.)

And now my late-Saturday-morning/early-Saturday-afternoon ritual of coffee, breakfast, perusing auditions and browsing Tumblr continues!

will wonders never cease?

Okay, so! I spoke too soon! Posted too soon!  You know what I mean!

I did actually get called back for the thing that I thought I hadn’t gotten called back for! (…I’m an actress, not an English teacher, what do you want from me? Correct sentence structure?)  I just found out earlier today, so: YAY!!!

It’s actually going to be kind of a busy week or so for me –

  • The callback for that (on Friday)
  • Video audition (to record & send out this week)
  • Skype audition (have to schedule, but probably this week) (…do I even have Skype? does this laptop have a webcam???)
  • Another fairly big audition (next week; singing involved, ahh!)

I feel like there’s something else I’m forgetting but I’m forgetting it so clearly I don’t remember.

It’s nice to feel motivated and as though my motivation is actually gaining momentum.  Not that I expect anything out of these auditions (I never expect anything, let’s be real), but it doesn’t feel completely hopeless.

I guess Maestro was right: “you need to not care so much.”  Not in that I shouldn’t have passion, not that I shouldn’t be invested. Obviously I should feel those things, but caring about things like – am I too fat to audition for this, shouldn’t I have a proper headshot and a real haircut, I’m not a ~sexy~ girl I can’t audition for that, I can’t sing I shouldn’t audition for these things. And on and on and on.

Maybe all those things are true. Who cares? Let them decide. I can’t make up their minds for them.

getting so much better all the time.

Eh.

Well, I put off updating for a bit because I actually had a (I thought) quite successful audition a little over a week ago, and was hoping to hear back from them. It doesn’t look likely, though – and may I add that I just hate that trend? Maybe that’s been the case all along for auditions, but nowadays that seems to happen for “regular” job interviews, as well.  I understand that it’s uncomfortable and time consuming, but even a form letter would be nice.

I dream of a day one would get some kind of constructive criticism or feedback from every job interview or audition, but I realize that’s a pipe dream.

Anyway. I never heard back from them, which bummed me out. And it’s still kind of bumming me out!  I will not lie to you! I thought I was a pretty good fit for what they wanted, but someone else must have been better.

One of the things that’s dawned on me lately is the futility of angsting over anything that I can’t change or do anything about. I can’t change my bone structure or my height. I can’t control how other people feel about me or perceive me. I can’t control whether I get a gig or not. I can’t change the fact that I didn’t start taking singing lessons until I was past twenty; I can’t change the fact that my first voice teacher wasn’t really teaching me so much as giving me an opportunity to sing. I can’t change the fact that I didn’t study music earlier in my life. Instead, what I have endeavored to do is:

  • Go for a run or do some yoga. I can change how active I am and how comfortable I am in my body.
  • Study the music theory that Maestro has given me, or practice the guitar. I can progress from where I am now, even though I can’t go back in time.
  • Look for new opportunities and submit for them. I can optimize the time I have now.
  • Practice, practice, practice, practice, practice. Breathing, singing. I can’t go back in time to convince twelve-year-old-me that a beautiful singing voice is something you have to work at, not something you’re just gifted with, but I can improve now.

It’s made an enormous impact on my day to day life, not just in my creative endeavors but in how I conduct myself in lots of other ways.  I know that this is probably not something I will be able to do every day of my life – I’m way too neurotic and angsty not to have these issues crop up again – but it’s something that I am working on doing.

And as with everything else that I’ve been practicing lately, I am getting better.

maybe you should just drink a lot less coffee.

So yesterday I drove for two hours total for about five seconds in front of a camera.

Worth it? Logically, probably not: it’s a lot of gas to waste on something that basically ended up being a modeling job (and I am NOT a model by any stretch of the imagination – if you want someone that will make your product or clothes look good or sexy, you will not be looking for tiny slightly-chubby oddly-proportioned 1-900-OK-FACE‘d me) that I don’t have a chance at.

For the sense of accomplishment that I got for actually doing it?  Yes, absolutely. The last time I had an audition like this I got lost, chickened out(/panicked), and didn’t even call to say I wasn’t coming.  This time I made it and I didn’t chicken out even when the casting director (? maybe?) yelled at me for not having a headshot.

On the other hand, this means I definitely have to get some headshots soon.

I can be whoever I want to be!

I was hoping to have some good news within the next few days, and it turns out…I do!

I actually did make it into the top ten for the singing competition!!

giselle_omgyay

 

I am so ridiculously thrilled, everyone!! :D  I can’t even really express!

Of course, this means I need to pick a new song – and I need to get working on it! The benefit is November 9th, so I have plenty of time.

I have a few other things in the works right now (some of which I really actually can’t talk about rather than just me being paranoid), but I needed to let everyone know about this – I’m so excited, I can’t believe it!!!!

audition prep 2013: an ongoing adventure!

pink is for dramatic, orange is for seriocomic, green is for comic.

I want to make sure that I mention that Objective: Audition Prep 2013 wasn’t just to prepare for that one audition.  It’s going to be an ongoing process.

I’ve either read, or had someone tell me once, that if you want to be an actor auditioning is your job.  The emphasis was on that there are so many factors that go into whether you get cast in something or not (your hair, your face, your prospective costar’s height, the fact that the costume will only fit a size double-zero, and on and on ad infinitum) that you can’t think of the part after you get cast as being your job. The only thing you have control over is your audition.  The audition is your actual job.

I’ve been lazy with this, of course.  I hate memorizing monologues if I’m not actually going to be performing them.  But that’s just it – the audition IS a performance.  I am guilty of thinking of auditions as only auditions, but another piece of advice I’ve been given (or read?) is that every audition is like a two-minute one-person show where you can show off exactly what and how you want to – and you should.

To that end, part of what I’m going to be using my brand-new vlog for is to have an excuse to perform my audition material!  (All the credit goes to my BFF D for this brilliant idea.) Monologues, mostly, but maybe eventually songs as well.  Not only will I familiarize myself with more monologues this way, I’ll have a reason to learn them to begin with.  Learn them, and polish them into something worth recording.  I’m feeling pretty enthusiastic about this idea!

In other news, I spent a few hours this afternoon hunting down film auditions (mostly student film) and sending off resumes and headshots.  I’m really hoping to hear back from some of them, simply because I would love to have some kind of demo reel up online as well.  It’s a huge part of getting cast nowadays, and I have literally nothing, since all my work has been stage work.  Fingers crossed!!

audition prep 2013: day two!

(YEAH!)

day two: better, but omg I need new headshots

(Seriously though, I hope that picture still looks enough like me so that they’ll remember who I am.)

I didn’t get to do as much as I wanted to do today, but that means this’ll be a short post.  Which is fine, since my last one was SUPER LONG.

Obviously I did get to organize my sheet music and resumes; apparently the theme here is “yellow.”  Do you see how I cleverly cut out my last name?

I also got to practice quite a bit!  And I bought some throat-coat tea!  (I’m not actually sick but my throat has been slightly dry and scratchy and it’s always good to be prepared, like a good Boy Scout.)

I’ve had a couple of thoughts about that One Impressive Song I need for an audition that’s coming up later this month, but I’ll talk about that at some other time.  

I’m thinking about maybe even recording myself singing, to get a better idea of what I sound like.  I probably won’t post anything, but even recording it just for myself is different for me – I’ll have to force myself to actually listen to them. 

I’m actually really excited about all of this – it’s nice to feel prepared for once!

a little faith, and a lot of heart.

or: AUDITION PREP 2013!!!!!

As I hinted in my last post, I’ve been giving a lot of thought to the fact that I’ve taken such a long hiatus from performing.  Especially over this summer, I’ve been wondering why I’ve let that fall by the wayside.  I’ve had my reasons – being in school and working full-time does leave me little time to audition and even less time to commit to a rehearsal schedule.

But even before I went back to school, I’d been away from performing for quite some time.  As much as I liked to think that I committed to Pursuing My Dream…did I? I’ve been wondering a lot about that, lately.

In any case, since I’m currently out of a job (thanks, public school system!) I’ve had even more time to think about this lately – and more time to look for and contemplate auditions.  I’ve found a couple that look especially promising and I’ve talked to enough people about them now that I feel as though I’ve absolutely committed to going to them. (It’s amazing what making yourself accountable can do, right?)

But let me get to the point: I haven’t been to an audition in over a YEAR.  I feel as though I have a TON of preparing to do!

  • pick out my audition songs
  • make sure my sheet music is marked appropriately!
  • PRACTICE!!!
  • get out my audition clothes and dancin’ shoes
  • update my resume!
  • …I definitely don’t have time to get new headshots done even though my old ones are so out of date
  • probably a ton of other stuff I’m not thinking of…

So I’ll be updating about that as I get prepared!  (One of these auditions is only A WEEK AWAY, ahh!)

(…ahhhhh!!!)

thank you for the music; the songs I’m singing.

Maybe more than anything else, this was the gift I got this year on my anniversary:

“I want to get you to the point that you’re singing. Everything, all the time…and not worrying about it.”

“…why?”

“Because that’s who you are.”

Without sounding too melodramatic (oh, who am I kidding), it changed how I’ve been thinking about myself lately. Because that’s who you are. Such a simple thing; a simple thing to say and a simple thing to mean.  And he was right. I think that’s the part that really hit me. That is who I am.  How did I get to this point, this wall that I’ve come up against again and again?  How did I get to the point I’ve been at for years and years – how did it become fear that ruled over that impulse?  Somehow, just hearing that put all my fears into an odd sort of perspective.

More than the keyboard and the singing lessons, hearing that from his mouth was the most important gift, most important push towards what he wants for me.  And more importantly, what I’ve wanted for myself.

I’m going to be the person that I’m meant to be.

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