I’m taking my time, but I don’t know where.

Well, I really have been doing things other than making pie-in-the-sky plans and dutifully going to my weekly singing lesson, though I have to say my singing lessons are usually the highlight of my week (no matter how badly they go).

I’ve been at home almost an entire year now, and despite everything, not very much has changed in my circumstances. Because I am self-sabotaging in many ways, I haven’t been able to progress as far as I would have liked – would have hoped – okay, would have expected to in the last year or so. Self-sabotage due to low self-esteem, not the most productive of issues. It is ridiculously hard for me to work up the courage to audition for anything, never mind the idea of changing my life and lifestyle so decisively.

What it comes down to is that: I am safe here. I know I am. There is no risk involved in being an office drone. Even if I were to move out there is no risk involved. I am safe and coddled and stagnating and I hate it. My life is cold and sterile and the energy involved in putting any sort of effort in drains me ten times as much as it ought to; I have no room or energy for creativity in my life because my soul is being drained away.

So something needs to change, and the thing that needs to change is me.

First of all, I need to actually commit to losing weight and working out on a regular basis. Will I talk about that here? Sure won’t.

Among other things, I’ve started to ask around as to how one gets signed with an agent. I don’t actually know anyone in the business, but I know people who know people. Earlier this week I started sending out headshots and résumés to a bunch of casting agencies. I also put up a listing on one of the bigger actor search engines (for lack of a better term?) with a headshot and resume.

I already heard back from one of the casting agencies that I sent my headshot to, and it hasn’t even been a week yet. I have an appointment to go meet with someone in July, even. I may get there and it might be a total scam, but at least I’m putting one foot in front of the other. I need to keep sending out more headshots, but I suppose it’s a start, at least!

In other news, I’ve started mirroring my blog over at livejournal as well, so one can also find me there!

whatever you wish for, you keep.

In not surprising news, the audition didn’t go as well as I had hoped it might. It was, essentially, a cattle-call and I barely even got looked at among the 200+ people at the audition. I got plenty of good advice from cast members when I went to the parks about continuing workshops and auditions, but that doesn’t exactly help me at the moment. Right now, I have my hopes set on an attractions job so that I’m there to audition again.

I seriously don’t want to talk to anyone about it, least of all the million people I work with that found out about the audition and told me, “you’re going to be SO PERFECT, they will love you!” repeatedly over the last couple of weeks. I’ve barely managed a “oh, well, I don’t know yet!” when they ask me, thinking at least I have an interview for a different job at the Disney parks coming up soon (hopefully).

B’s family helped me keep my mind off everything while I was down there; they too said “oh you’re so PERFECT, you will be wonderful, they will love you!” and were horrified when I didn’t get even a real audition. Thankfully, B and I were so busy the rest of the time that I was down there that I didn’t get much of a chance to mourn. I was too excited about seeing her for the third time in six years or something silly like that!

I’ve burst into tears twice today after talking to people, though I’ve at least managed to get away from them before I start crying. Because now that I’m home and mostly rested, it’s become real to me.

And again I come back to: am I even really cut out for this? This is the reality of show-business, isn’t it? Cattle calls and not even really being told why I’m not being cast, being in a room with two hundred other girls belting as high as they can and realizing there’s nothing that I have that they don’t. I can’t go around crying for days after every audition. Why do I even think this is a good idea for me?

pray, tell him I am weeping too.

good to remember!

Today I worked on
Once Upon a Dream
A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes, from Disney’s Cinderella
The Willow Song, The Ballad of Baby Doe
V’adoro, Pupille

I also brought along “Part of Your World,” from The Little Mermaid, but MP played through a couple of pages and said, “no, this is too low for you.” She amended that it was partially that and partially that I don’t have a strong pop or musical theatre belt. Okay, I don’t have any belt at all, period.

Basically what it comes down to is this: I have a voice (such as it is) that is good (for certain values of good) for only a certain few things. Old-school Disney Princess music happens to fall in that very narrow niche, while the newer-school Disney Princess stuff is tougher because I find it difficult to let go and belt.

We also worked on “V’adoro, Pupille” again, one of my favorites. Except I forgot to work on my ornamentation, haha. Oops. She sang through “The Willow Song” with me, as I wasn’t as familiar with that one, and I think I’m actually going to like singing that one, it’s just gorgeous.

Since I got my headshots today, and with them some samples up on Facebook where my dear friend and photographer mentioned what I’m going to be auditioning for, I guess the cat is out of the bag. I’m going down to Florida to audition to work in Disney World. (Augh, I feel queasy even admitting that on this blog! It just goes to show how deeply-held my superstitions are, I guess.) (I guess looking at my musical choices for the past few weeks makes this one super obvious, though.) I’m not super optimistic, considering how incredibly competitive it must be, but everyone I’ve talked to about it seems to think it would be a perfect fit. I do have the right personality, at least!

And I leave you with some food for thought: Part 1Part 2
Literally the sweetest thing I have ever seen.

told you from the start.

I heard back from my PLEASE DO NOT BEND audition, and I didn’t get it.

I’m disappointed that it didn’t work out, but I’m not surprised in the least. Frankly, it was a bit of a long shot, considering how many people they had audition and how little experience I have with such things. It’s to be expected that I don’t get about 99% of what I audition for, and if I had a car I wouldn’t have put all my metaphorical eggs in one metaphorical basket for this summer. I scheduled this audition before the accident, so I was committed to doing it and rented the car to get there. After the accident I didn’t feel as though I ought to keep scheduling auditions that I wasn’t sure that I would be able to make (never mind making it to rehearsals).

And then I wonder, if I actually wanted this, why do I continually undermine myself?

Though of course this leads me to start thinking about what I’m supposedly trying to do with my life, and I wonder if it’s even worth it. I do often wonder if I have the right constitution for a career like this; every missed audition (and even some auditions I do get!) makes me wonder if I ought to even bother. Why should it work out for me when there are so many other people out there that it didn’t work out for? I’m not more talented than they are, I’m not more driven or ambitious or even more charismatic or more attractive.

Why should I get singled out? Do I even have the ambition neccessary to get somewhere where I can be noticed? I don’t know. I feel as though I’m afraid of everything; even contemplating going out to live my own life scares me, and it always has. Every time I take two steps forward, out of the nest and into my own life, I take three steps back and find myself exactly where I was when I began.

I guess what it comes down to is that it’s the only thing I really love doing, and the only talent I have. If I can’t make it work, what will I do?

>"stop being such a coward."

>I’m starting to think maybe I should just write this stuff down in a paper journal because I can perhaps be a bit more long-winded and honest with myself there. It’s easier to scribble words down on a piece of paper than look at them in black and white on a computer screen. Or something.

Yesterday’s rehearsal was disastrous, for me. In general, it went well (the first act, especially). But my singing was terrible, basically through the whole thing. We started off working on “Our Little World” and I sounded awful and had issues with things I’ve never had issues with before (the aah-aah-aahs in the beginning and middle?! seriously??) and then C got all huffy with me (like, “what is your problem today!”) and it threw me off for the rest of the rehearsal, it seemed like. I couldn’t get any of the aah-aah-aahs for the rest of the run, for some reason. I might be (probably am!) getting sick, but that’s no excuse for getting shaken once during a rehearsal and then letting it affect the rest of my performance. What is wrong with me indeed.

Part of that might be the fact that I spent the night before with PC and L recording “Ridin’ Solo” with L on ukelele and both of us on vocals (and then making PC record the ~*~soulful piano version~*~ of the same after L went home, which was both legitimately awesome and incredibly hilarious, especially him spelling out “S-O-L-O” during the bridge).

Listening to my voice played back at me like that always unnerves me – I’ve only done it once before but last time it made me feel awful. This time it wasn’t as bad because it was both me and L and we were basically goofing off and not taking it too seriously. It came out pretty cute and he might be able to make something good out of the raw materials we recorded with him. (It sounds awesome with the accordion synths.)

After that PC and I talked about lots of things but eventually came around to the fact that the reason I don’t sound like I want to sound when I sing is because I’m afraid of it, that I’m afraid of “owning it,” is the way he put it. (Especially anything even the slightest bit outside my (teeny tiny) comfort zone.) And he’s right, I want to sing it “right” and “well,” but I don’t put any heart into it. I thought that I had started to get over that but I guess not, because clearly I was still feeling the effects of being shaken like that the next day, with C setting me off again.

I made mention of this, obliquely, earlier in this journal saying “why can’t I act when I sing?” I’m not having too much of an issue with it for Into the Woods because most of my acting while I’m singing consists of “blank and happy” or “blank and kind of crazy” anyway. But singing with MP on arias and such, it’s too hard for me to get past the I HAVE TO DO THIS PROPERLY fears and instincts to even try to emote. And that’s what it is, it’s fear: down at the base of the thing, it is fear.

I was going to go on about the fact that I am awful and shouldn’t try but that is not productive at all so I won’t.