The Maltese Walter

Please enjoy the Boston Play Cafe’s newest episode: a reading of a ten minute noir parody, The Maltese Walter!

I was going to write a commentary, but instead (in the spirit of being brave and not apologizing for myself, which if I make resolutions should probably be one of them!) I will leave it here (and post my commentary later on, since it relates to other posts I’ve talked about writing). I will mention that they pronounce my middle name incorrectly, hee!

Happy New Year to you all, dear readers and watchers and listeners! I hope to interact more with all of you in the coming year while we all support each other on our journeys. I hope the coming year treats you with kindness, and you treat yourselves with compassion. I hope your year is full of all the people and things that you love, and I hope the world is kinder. Thank you all for every good thought and kind word you’ve sent my way over the years; I am forever and always humbled by the kindness shown me, and I hope to continue to try to pay it back. <3 A bright new year to you all!

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eyes of glass and feet of stone.

Things I did these past couple weeks:

  • Submitted for a bunch of stuff I am sure I won’t get
  • Including a recorded video of me singing
  • Had a minor (?) meltdown about what I look like (again)
  • Realized that’s probably why I haven’t recorded any more vlogs
  • Realized you all probably don’t want to hear about my body image issues for the umpteenth time
  • Refrained from posting about that
  • Thought about it again
  • Decided I really should make a post about it for real at some point as it does inform a lot of what I write about here (and also my various dysfunctions when it comes to acting/etc)
  • Got halfway through writing this (bullet point list) post and gave up
  • Had another audition

I’m kind of at a loss about this and don’t feel super-equipped to talk about it at the moment. But here I am posting about it anyway because it’s been so long since my last post!

On the other hand, I was informed that I got the part that I auditioned for a couple weeks ago! The character is described as something like “a girl next door, or a femme fatale. You know, depending.”  (Which I love, obviously!) The nature of the project means that I might actually get to share that with you – stay tuned to hear more about that!

you were only waiting for this moment to arise.

First things first: I did change my hair! It’s trimmed and darker and I hate it. Ha!  I dislike it enough that I am waiting to get it fixed before I get my headshots taken (that appointment was scheduled for earlier today).

(If you’d like to take a peek at my folly, this is what it looks like.)

The real point of today’s post is this, though: I feel like I’ve had quite a lot of near-misses lately.  Lots of callbacks and getting pretty far in the audition process and having people contact me/pick me out specifically from the online things I’ve submitted for…and I’ve still not gotten any actual jobs.

Maestro made the comment that “it’s like you’re trying to hit a target on the wall, but it’s so small, it’s just a dot. And you’re licking gummi bears and throwing them at the wall, trying to get them to stick to the dot. You just have to keep licking gummi bears.”  He was very proud of this metaphor. (Nerd.)

It’s tough, because I am glad that I’m at least getting some interest? But on the other hand, I’m a little disheartened, because I’ve failed to secure anything.  There’s a whole host of things that could be going on here but of course my mind goes to “oh you’re actually kind of weird looking on camera” or “oh you’re not a very good actress” as the primary things that I’m sure must be happening.

But – you know, I guess I just have to keep submitting and auditioning (and I have to get my hair fixed so I can have a proper headshot).  Honing my work, getting my audition monologues up to par. Keep throwing those gummi bears and see what sticks.

but together, you and I will laugh at last night someday.

No news is not good news, y’all.

No news is just no news.

I’ve actually really enjoyed auditioning for the last handful of things I’ve auditioned for (redundancy, thy name is the Acting Ingenue). The people I’ve auditioned for have been helpful and kind and upbeat and informative, and the auditions themselves have been relatively quick and painless. (With the exception for the one where I waited 3+ hours because it was a call for both Equity and non-Equity. They were still very kind! And the audition itself was very quick! I just have my doubts as to whether or not they even heard me at all after that amount of time listening to people sing. I know by then I was just hungry and tired, not even really nervous anymore, I can’t imagine how they felt.) I’ve felt positive about every one of them, and had my positive feelings reinforced by the feedback I received.

But it still stings when you don’t hear back.  There’s at least two of them that I was told I’ll hear back either way – if I got it or if I didn’t – but I’ve heard nothing so far and that’s still disheartening.

Dear casting directors of the world: even a form letter, I swear, would go a long way.

In any case, because I booked myself so busy for the past couple of weeks I don’t have a ton coming up this week or next (since I didn’t put as much time or effort in to looking for new things), though I do have a couple of things coming up.

Things I would like to keep in mind going forward:

  • don’t lose momentum!
  • I need to audition for more musicals!
  • and maybe choirs or choruses or something?
  • HEADSHOTS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I NEED REAL HEADSHOTS.
  • (which means I need to decide on what to do with my hair)
  • practice practice practice practice practice!
  • if it’s important enough you’ll find a way to keep moving forward.

And with that, the Acting Ingenue, signing off!!

every cadenza delights, every cadence floats.

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So you know, other than the fact that I’m a ridiculous and sometimes embarrassing human being, that audition went well.

I have a feeling I won’t know how that went unless I get it, which is fine!  I think it went okay – the character had changed since I last auditioned, I got to find out what the actual project is, etc etc.

I got through my recorded audition and my Skype audition as well (my laptop does not have a webcam, but I do apparently have a Skype account if you were wondering!). It was my first Skype audition and only my second recorded audition, which – blehhhh, I really hate recorded auditions but that could be because

  • I hate watching my face
  • I hate monologues/not having anyone to read off of
  • I really don’t think I come across well on camera facewise (I FEEL LIKE THIS MAY BE A PROBLEM?)
  • Since I can watch it back over I start analyzing and overanalyzing and wondering “well wait a minute maybe I can’t actually act at all?”
  • related to that, if I’m not pleased with a recording I do it over and over until maybe it actually IS terrible but I can’t actually tell anymore?
  • also, my face.

Anyway.  (It’s amazing how quickly I can go from “wow look at me go! I’m doing things I’m afraid of even though I’m afraid!” to “wow I am a troll, why does anyone let me out of the house?”)

So this week, I have a singing lesson today and then an audition on Thursday.  It’ll be my first audition with any kind of singing in…quite some time, actually, so Maestro has been kind enough to help me run my two cuts of sixteen bars into the ground.  (The neighbors are confused, I’m sure.) Someday soon I should make a post (or gasp! a video!) about my new singing teacher and how much I am learning in and enjoying lessons nowadays!

Life’s pretty good here at Chez Acting Ingenue (well, Chez Muse and Maestro, unless this blog is my house?) and I can’t really ask for anything more.

Sending out love and encouragement and happiness to you all, since I seem to have an excess of it at the moment! ^^;;;

will wonders never cease?

Okay, so! I spoke too soon! Posted too soon!  You know what I mean!

I did actually get called back for the thing that I thought I hadn’t gotten called back for! (…I’m an actress, not an English teacher, what do you want from me? Correct sentence structure?)  I just found out earlier today, so: YAY!!!

It’s actually going to be kind of a busy week or so for me –

  • The callback for that (on Friday)
  • Video audition (to record & send out this week)
  • Skype audition (have to schedule, but probably this week) (…do I even have Skype? does this laptop have a webcam???)
  • Another fairly big audition (next week; singing involved, ahh!)

I feel like there’s something else I’m forgetting but I’m forgetting it so clearly I don’t remember.

It’s nice to feel motivated and as though my motivation is actually gaining momentum.  Not that I expect anything out of these auditions (I never expect anything, let’s be real), but it doesn’t feel completely hopeless.

I guess Maestro was right: “you need to not care so much.”  Not in that I shouldn’t have passion, not that I shouldn’t be invested. Obviously I should feel those things, but caring about things like – am I too fat to audition for this, shouldn’t I have a proper headshot and a real haircut, I’m not a ~sexy~ girl I can’t audition for that, I can’t sing I shouldn’t audition for these things. And on and on and on.

Maybe all those things are true. Who cares? Let them decide. I can’t make up their minds for them.

getting so much better all the time.

Eh.

Well, I put off updating for a bit because I actually had a (I thought) quite successful audition a little over a week ago, and was hoping to hear back from them. It doesn’t look likely, though – and may I add that I just hate that trend? Maybe that’s been the case all along for auditions, but nowadays that seems to happen for “regular” job interviews, as well.  I understand that it’s uncomfortable and time consuming, but even a form letter would be nice.

I dream of a day one would get some kind of constructive criticism or feedback from every job interview or audition, but I realize that’s a pipe dream.

Anyway. I never heard back from them, which bummed me out. And it’s still kind of bumming me out!  I will not lie to you! I thought I was a pretty good fit for what they wanted, but someone else must have been better.

One of the things that’s dawned on me lately is the futility of angsting over anything that I can’t change or do anything about. I can’t change my bone structure or my height. I can’t control how other people feel about me or perceive me. I can’t control whether I get a gig or not. I can’t change the fact that I didn’t start taking singing lessons until I was past twenty; I can’t change the fact that my first voice teacher wasn’t really teaching me so much as giving me an opportunity to sing. I can’t change the fact that I didn’t study music earlier in my life. Instead, what I have endeavored to do is:

  • Go for a run or do some yoga. I can change how active I am and how comfortable I am in my body.
  • Study the music theory that Maestro has given me, or practice the guitar. I can progress from where I am now, even though I can’t go back in time.
  • Look for new opportunities and submit for them. I can optimize the time I have now.
  • Practice, practice, practice, practice, practice. Breathing, singing. I can’t go back in time to convince twelve-year-old-me that a beautiful singing voice is something you have to work at, not something you’re just gifted with, but I can improve now.

It’s made an enormous impact on my day to day life, not just in my creative endeavors but in how I conduct myself in lots of other ways.  I know that this is probably not something I will be able to do every day of my life – I’m way too neurotic and angsty not to have these issues crop up again – but it’s something that I am working on doing.

And as with everything else that I’ve been practicing lately, I am getting better.

just as long as I stay in my own little corner.

the Paramount Center

Wow, it’s been a week and a half – ugh, and I was doing so well for a while there!  I feel like I completely lost momentum over the past week.  I even have a monologue or two all memorized that I could have recorded and uploaded by now.  I’m more disappointed with myself than thinking anyone is out there waiting with bated breath, but still – I’m very sorry, you guys!  

I was a bit busy last week, actually!  Not busy enough that I couldn’t have kept on top of things, but still – pretty busy! The highlights (for this blog, anyway) were –

  • I spent Monday on a movie set, doing my very first movie extra work!!  I’m not allowed to talk much about it (like, reveal the project name, or – I think – talk about who’s in it), but it’s a Hollywood feature film and my bum might be making its film debut whenever it is that they’re releasing the film!  Hooray!  (Plus, I got paid!)
  • Wednesday I had an audition in Boston at Emerson College for some of their student films/student film class.  I’m really looking for ways that I can get footage for a reel and this looked like a great way to do that. It was an interesting experience, I’ve never auditioned for a camera before.  It’s always a nice feeling to make the auditors laugh!   It’s been over a week and I haven’t heard from them, so I’m left to assume I didn’t get any of the parts they were casting.
  • I narrowed down my song choices for the upcoming singing competition – either “If I Loved You” (from Carousel) or “Think of Me” (from Phantom of the Opera), I still haven’t quite decided yet.
  • Oh and I ended up being in the paper for that, too!

Since I sort of lost momentum on finding new things to do last week, I didn’t have anything exciting lined up for this week. I’m poking around now, though, and I’ve found a couple of interesting-looking things to submit or audition for.  Last week was a pretty draining week, emotionally, and next week is my first week at my new “real” job, so I’m trying very hard to keep my momentum going!

It looks like it’ll be a few more days til I get to record anything, too, unless I can wake myself up early enough tomorrow or Saturday to try and get my first monovlog* up, which I’ll definitely try to do!

*(Monovlog = monologue vlog (vlog = video blog!)!) (parentheses!!!)