The Maltese Walter

Please enjoy the Boston Play Cafe’s newest episode: a reading of a ten minute noir parody, The Maltese Walter!

I was going to write a commentary, but instead (in the spirit of being brave and not apologizing for myself, which if I make resolutions should probably be one of them!) I will leave it here (and post my commentary later on, since it relates to other posts I’ve talked about writing). I will mention that they pronounce my middle name incorrectly, hee!

Happy New Year to you all, dear readers and watchers and listeners! I hope to interact more with all of you in the coming year while we all support each other on our journeys. I hope the coming year treats you with kindness, and you treat yourselves with compassion. I hope your year is full of all the people and things that you love, and I hope the world is kinder. Thank you all for every good thought and kind word you’ve sent my way over the years; I am forever and always humbled by the kindness shown me, and I hope to continue to try to pay it back. <3 A bright new year to you all!

eyes of glass and feet of stone.

Things I did these past couple weeks:

  • Submitted for a bunch of stuff I am sure I won’t get
  • Including a recorded video of me singing
  • Had a minor (?) meltdown about what I look like (again)
  • Realized that’s probably why I haven’t recorded any more vlogs
  • Realized you all probably don’t want to hear about my body image issues for the umpteenth time
  • Refrained from posting about that
  • Thought about it again
  • Decided I really should make a post about it for real at some point as it does inform a lot of what I write about here (and also my various dysfunctions when it comes to acting/etc)
  • Got halfway through writing this (bullet point list) post and gave up
  • Had another audition

I’m kind of at a loss about this and don’t feel super-equipped to talk about it at the moment. But here I am posting about it anyway because it’s been so long since my last post!

On the other hand, I was informed that I got the part that I auditioned for a couple weeks ago! The character is described as something like “a girl next door, or a femme fatale. You know, depending.”  (Which I love, obviously!) The nature of the project means that I might actually get to share that with you – stay tuned to hear more about that!

you were only waiting for this moment to arise.

First things first: I did change my hair! It’s trimmed and darker and I hate it. Ha!  I dislike it enough that I am waiting to get it fixed before I get my headshots taken (that appointment was scheduled for earlier today).

(If you’d like to take a peek at my folly, this is what it looks like.)

The real point of today’s post is this, though: I feel like I’ve had quite a lot of near-misses lately.  Lots of callbacks and getting pretty far in the audition process and having people contact me/pick me out specifically from the online things I’ve submitted for…and I’ve still not gotten any actual jobs.

Maestro made the comment that “it’s like you’re trying to hit a target on the wall, but it’s so small, it’s just a dot. And you’re licking gummi bears and throwing them at the wall, trying to get them to stick to the dot. You just have to keep licking gummi bears.”  He was very proud of this metaphor. (Nerd.)

It’s tough, because I am glad that I’m at least getting some interest? But on the other hand, I’m a little disheartened, because I’ve failed to secure anything.  There’s a whole host of things that could be going on here but of course my mind goes to “oh you’re actually kind of weird looking on camera” or “oh you’re not a very good actress” as the primary things that I’m sure must be happening.

But – you know, I guess I just have to keep submitting and auditioning (and I have to get my hair fixed so I can have a proper headshot).  Honing my work, getting my audition monologues up to par. Keep throwing those gummi bears and see what sticks.

will wonders never cease?

Okay, so! I spoke too soon! Posted too soon!  You know what I mean!

I did actually get called back for the thing that I thought I hadn’t gotten called back for! (…I’m an actress, not an English teacher, what do you want from me? Correct sentence structure?)  I just found out earlier today, so: YAY!!!

It’s actually going to be kind of a busy week or so for me –

  • The callback for that (on Friday)
  • Video audition (to record & send out this week)
  • Skype audition (have to schedule, but probably this week) (…do I even have Skype? does this laptop have a webcam???)
  • Another fairly big audition (next week; singing involved, ahh!)

I feel like there’s something else I’m forgetting but I’m forgetting it so clearly I don’t remember.

It’s nice to feel motivated and as though my motivation is actually gaining momentum.  Not that I expect anything out of these auditions (I never expect anything, let’s be real), but it doesn’t feel completely hopeless.

I guess Maestro was right: “you need to not care so much.”  Not in that I shouldn’t have passion, not that I shouldn’t be invested. Obviously I should feel those things, but caring about things like – am I too fat to audition for this, shouldn’t I have a proper headshot and a real haircut, I’m not a ~sexy~ girl I can’t audition for that, I can’t sing I shouldn’t audition for these things. And on and on and on.

Maybe all those things are true. Who cares? Let them decide. I can’t make up their minds for them.

getting so much better all the time.

Eh.

Well, I put off updating for a bit because I actually had a (I thought) quite successful audition a little over a week ago, and was hoping to hear back from them. It doesn’t look likely, though – and may I add that I just hate that trend? Maybe that’s been the case all along for auditions, but nowadays that seems to happen for “regular” job interviews, as well.  I understand that it’s uncomfortable and time consuming, but even a form letter would be nice.

I dream of a day one would get some kind of constructive criticism or feedback from every job interview or audition, but I realize that’s a pipe dream.

Anyway. I never heard back from them, which bummed me out. And it’s still kind of bumming me out!  I will not lie to you! I thought I was a pretty good fit for what they wanted, but someone else must have been better.

One of the things that’s dawned on me lately is the futility of angsting over anything that I can’t change or do anything about. I can’t change my bone structure or my height. I can’t control how other people feel about me or perceive me. I can’t control whether I get a gig or not. I can’t change the fact that I didn’t start taking singing lessons until I was past twenty; I can’t change the fact that my first voice teacher wasn’t really teaching me so much as giving me an opportunity to sing. I can’t change the fact that I didn’t study music earlier in my life. Instead, what I have endeavored to do is:

  • Go for a run or do some yoga. I can change how active I am and how comfortable I am in my body.
  • Study the music theory that Maestro has given me, or practice the guitar. I can progress from where I am now, even though I can’t go back in time.
  • Look for new opportunities and submit for them. I can optimize the time I have now.
  • Practice, practice, practice, practice, practice. Breathing, singing. I can’t go back in time to convince twelve-year-old-me that a beautiful singing voice is something you have to work at, not something you’re just gifted with, but I can improve now.

It’s made an enormous impact on my day to day life, not just in my creative endeavors but in how I conduct myself in lots of other ways.  I know that this is probably not something I will be able to do every day of my life – I’m way too neurotic and angsty not to have these issues crop up again – but it’s something that I am working on doing.

And as with everything else that I’ve been practicing lately, I am getting better.

monovlog: Shelby (Temporary Heroes by David-Matthew Barnes)

(blah blah vimeo blah youtube blah.)

The first installment of my monovlog!  A piece from Temporary Heroes by David-Matthew Barnes; as such, none of these words belong to me.

Continue reading

just as long as I stay in my own little corner.

the Paramount Center

Wow, it’s been a week and a half – ugh, and I was doing so well for a while there!  I feel like I completely lost momentum over the past week.  I even have a monologue or two all memorized that I could have recorded and uploaded by now.  I’m more disappointed with myself than thinking anyone is out there waiting with bated breath, but still – I’m very sorry, you guys!  

I was a bit busy last week, actually!  Not busy enough that I couldn’t have kept on top of things, but still – pretty busy! The highlights (for this blog, anyway) were –

  • I spent Monday on a movie set, doing my very first movie extra work!!  I’m not allowed to talk much about it (like, reveal the project name, or – I think – talk about who’s in it), but it’s a Hollywood feature film and my bum might be making its film debut whenever it is that they’re releasing the film!  Hooray!  (Plus, I got paid!)
  • Wednesday I had an audition in Boston at Emerson College for some of their student films/student film class.  I’m really looking for ways that I can get footage for a reel and this looked like a great way to do that. It was an interesting experience, I’ve never auditioned for a camera before.  It’s always a nice feeling to make the auditors laugh!   It’s been over a week and I haven’t heard from them, so I’m left to assume I didn’t get any of the parts they were casting.
  • I narrowed down my song choices for the upcoming singing competition – either “If I Loved You” (from Carousel) or “Think of Me” (from Phantom of the Opera), I still haven’t quite decided yet.
  • Oh and I ended up being in the paper for that, too!

Since I sort of lost momentum on finding new things to do last week, I didn’t have anything exciting lined up for this week. I’m poking around now, though, and I’ve found a couple of interesting-looking things to submit or audition for.  Last week was a pretty draining week, emotionally, and next week is my first week at my new “real” job, so I’m trying very hard to keep my momentum going!

It looks like it’ll be a few more days til I get to record anything, too, unless I can wake myself up early enough tomorrow or Saturday to try and get my first monovlog* up, which I’ll definitely try to do!

*(Monovlog = monologue vlog (vlog = video blog!)!) (parentheses!!!) 

audition prep 2013: an ongoing adventure!

pink is for dramatic, orange is for seriocomic, green is for comic.

I want to make sure that I mention that Objective: Audition Prep 2013 wasn’t just to prepare for that one audition.  It’s going to be an ongoing process.

I’ve either read, or had someone tell me once, that if you want to be an actor auditioning is your job.  The emphasis was on that there are so many factors that go into whether you get cast in something or not (your hair, your face, your prospective costar’s height, the fact that the costume will only fit a size double-zero, and on and on ad infinitum) that you can’t think of the part after you get cast as being your job. The only thing you have control over is your audition.  The audition is your actual job.

I’ve been lazy with this, of course.  I hate memorizing monologues if I’m not actually going to be performing them.  But that’s just it – the audition IS a performance.  I am guilty of thinking of auditions as only auditions, but another piece of advice I’ve been given (or read?) is that every audition is like a two-minute one-person show where you can show off exactly what and how you want to – and you should.

To that end, part of what I’m going to be using my brand-new vlog for is to have an excuse to perform my audition material!  (All the credit goes to my BFF D for this brilliant idea.) Monologues, mostly, but maybe eventually songs as well.  Not only will I familiarize myself with more monologues this way, I’ll have a reason to learn them to begin with.  Learn them, and polish them into something worth recording.  I’m feeling pretty enthusiastic about this idea!

In other news, I spent a few hours this afternoon hunting down film auditions (mostly student film) and sending off resumes and headshots.  I’m really hoping to hear back from some of them, simply because I would love to have some kind of demo reel up online as well.  It’s a huge part of getting cast nowadays, and I have literally nothing, since all my work has been stage work.  Fingers crossed!!

audition prep 2013: day three!

[This is where the picture of my new monologue and scene books would go if I’d remembered to bring them in from my car]

Here’s where I apologize for not taking any pictures today!: Sorry! (Or not any applicable pictures; I guess I could post the one I took of my teacup.)

What I did do today (cough yesterday) was this:

  • sang A LOT; like a lot a lot
  • yoga!
  • had an extremely productive conversation with D about the direction my life is going
  • SO MANY IDEAS!
  • (it’s so nice everyone is so excited about this with me??)
  • used a gift card from last Christmas to purchase some monologue and scenework books

Not to mention the fact that I had a similarly productive conversation with B yesterday – everyone in my life has been very enthusiastic about my getting back into theatre and performing, which I can only think is a good thing!  It does seem (a little) like things have conspired to make me feel this way – that I need to go back to it in some form – and who am I to argue with the universe, I guess?

To make up for the short post and lack of picture today, here is a hilarious video of outtakes my darling L edited together today for a tiny little blog!  (I had never heard this song at all until about ten minutes before we started recording it, hence how TERRIBLE I am at both singing it and remembering the (many) lyrics.)  (Like, seriously, Taylor Swift.) You can find the “real” video here!