getting so much better all the time.

Eh.

Well, I put off updating for a bit because I actually had a (I thought) quite successful audition a little over a week ago, and was hoping to hear back from them. It doesn’t look likely, though – and may I add that I just hate that trend? Maybe that’s been the case all along for auditions, but nowadays that seems to happen for “regular” job interviews, as well.  I understand that it’s uncomfortable and time consuming, but even a form letter would be nice.

I dream of a day one would get some kind of constructive criticism or feedback from every job interview or audition, but I realize that’s a pipe dream.

Anyway. I never heard back from them, which bummed me out. And it’s still kind of bumming me out!  I will not lie to you! I thought I was a pretty good fit for what they wanted, but someone else must have been better.

One of the things that’s dawned on me lately is the futility of angsting over anything that I can’t change or do anything about. I can’t change my bone structure or my height. I can’t control how other people feel about me or perceive me. I can’t control whether I get a gig or not. I can’t change the fact that I didn’t start taking singing lessons until I was past twenty; I can’t change the fact that my first voice teacher wasn’t really teaching me so much as giving me an opportunity to sing. I can’t change the fact that I didn’t study music earlier in my life. Instead, what I have endeavored to do is:

  • Go for a run or do some yoga. I can change how active I am and how comfortable I am in my body.
  • Study the music theory that Maestro has given me, or practice the guitar. I can progress from where I am now, even though I can’t go back in time.
  • Look for new opportunities and submit for them. I can optimize the time I have now.
  • Practice, practice, practice, practice, practice. Breathing, singing. I can’t go back in time to convince twelve-year-old-me that a beautiful singing voice is something you have to work at, not something you’re just gifted with, but I can improve now.

It’s made an enormous impact on my day to day life, not just in my creative endeavors but in how I conduct myself in lots of other ways.  I know that this is probably not something I will be able to do every day of my life – I’m way too neurotic and angsty not to have these issues crop up again – but it’s something that I am working on doing.

And as with everything else that I’ve been practicing lately, I am getting better.

thank you for the music; the songs I’m singing.

Maybe more than anything else, this was the gift I got this year on my anniversary:

“I want to get you to the point that you’re singing. Everything, all the time…and not worrying about it.”

“…why?”

“Because that’s who you are.”

Without sounding too melodramatic (oh, who am I kidding), it changed how I’ve been thinking about myself lately. Because that’s who you are. Such a simple thing; a simple thing to say and a simple thing to mean.  And he was right. I think that’s the part that really hit me. That is who I am.  How did I get to this point, this wall that I’ve come up against again and again?  How did I get to the point I’ve been at for years and years – how did it become fear that ruled over that impulse?  Somehow, just hearing that put all my fears into an odd sort of perspective.

More than the keyboard and the singing lessons, hearing that from his mouth was the most important gift, most important push towards what he wants for me.  And more importantly, what I’ve wanted for myself.

I’m going to be the person that I’m meant to be.

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such a happy little tune to hum.

So I don’t leave tonight on the worst possible note, here is something that I find deeply inspirational:

The reason I find this so deeply inspirational is that I can tell she is nervous. This is Amy Adams, the actress whose career and talent (and looks) I would die to have, singing at the Oscars. And despite the fact that you can tell she’s nervous, she nails it – just nails it. I find it so inspiring to know that someone like her can be nervous – in the way that I am nervous, where I can’t find my breath but I keep going anyway.

Watching this video just makes me adore her more. ♥

>nobody out-crazies ophelia!

>Rehearsal went well today! P, our original music director, came back to help us with music since M had a concert. We ran through both finales (Ever After for Act I and the Into the Woods reprise one million or so for Act II), and we tightened up the scene where the Narrator and I die. And…that was pretty much it, not much to write home about. I marked the screaming again, since my throat isn’t really feeling any better yet.

A lot of today’s rehearsal was spent finalizing costumes and making last-minute adjustments. The costumes in this show are seriously, seriously amazing. Easily some of the best I’ve ever worked with. KD fixed my wig, it has a big flower and lots of ribbons on it now and it looks less like I just stepped out of the 70s. I’m going to be using my own hair after it gets chopped off, so that reminds me that I have to get my roots done.

That reminds me, I never mentioned my inspirations for Rapunzel! They are as follows.

Act I:

Act II:

…there’s actually not a whole lot of acting involved in this role, to be honest. ;)

And now we’re on to tech week! Sunday is our cue-to-cue and then after that we have full-dress runs! And Friday is showtime! Whee!