eyes of glass and feet of stone.

Things I did these past couple weeks:

  • Submitted for a bunch of stuff I am sure I won’t get
  • Including a recorded video of me singing
  • Had a minor (?) meltdown about what I look like (again)
  • Realized that’s probably why I haven’t recorded any more vlogs
  • Realized you all probably don’t want to hear about my body image issues for the umpteenth time
  • Refrained from posting about that
  • Thought about it again
  • Decided I really should make a post about it for real at some point as it does inform a lot of what I write about here (and also my various dysfunctions when it comes to acting/etc)
  • Got halfway through writing this (bullet point list) post and gave up
  • Had another audition

I’m kind of at a loss about this and don’t feel super-equipped to talk about it at the moment. But here I am posting about it anyway because it’s been so long since my last post!

On the other hand, I was informed that I got the part that I auditioned for a couple weeks ago! The character is described as something like “a girl next door, or a femme fatale. You know, depending.”  (Which I love, obviously!) The nature of the project means that I might actually get to share that with you – stay tuned to hear more about that!

and you don’t know what you don’t know.

Today in “Should I Submit For This Or Not”:

  • Someone looking for an ATTRACTIVE FEMALE (allcaps theirs). “If you do NOT match the criteria, you need not apply.” Errr, seeing as how that’s the only criteria they list…I’m gonna go with “no.”
  • A paid political commercial!…that I’m pretty sure is for a candidate I wouldn’t support! (but it’s paid!) (but my PRINCIPLES)
  • Why do I keep getting calls for 18-year-old characters? I am so much older than that.

In other news, I finally got my hair fixed, so I’ll be booking my headshot appointment soon. YAY FINALLY YOU’LL PROBABLY NOT HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT THIS UNTIL THE NEXT TIME I CHANGE MY HAIR

In other other news, I have an audition on Wednesday and I’ve been nursing a cold for far too long. I’m done being sick, world! At least I don’t have to sing for the audition.

In other other other news, I’m working on an aria in my singing lessons now for the first time in…uhhh years? And frankly, I couldn’t be happier with that. <3 I still think I should probably get back on recording videos to talk more about that but I haven’t figured out a good place to do that in my new abode – the light isn’t great. I should figure that out soon.

I hope you’re all having a lovely week and enjoying your October so far! <3

you were only waiting for this moment to arise.

First things first: I did change my hair! It’s trimmed and darker and I hate it. Ha!  I dislike it enough that I am waiting to get it fixed before I get my headshots taken (that appointment was scheduled for earlier today).

(If you’d like to take a peek at my folly, this is what it looks like.)

The real point of today’s post is this, though: I feel like I’ve had quite a lot of near-misses lately.  Lots of callbacks and getting pretty far in the audition process and having people contact me/pick me out specifically from the online things I’ve submitted for…and I’ve still not gotten any actual jobs.

Maestro made the comment that “it’s like you’re trying to hit a target on the wall, but it’s so small, it’s just a dot. And you’re licking gummi bears and throwing them at the wall, trying to get them to stick to the dot. You just have to keep licking gummi bears.”  He was very proud of this metaphor. (Nerd.)

It’s tough, because I am glad that I’m at least getting some interest? But on the other hand, I’m a little disheartened, because I’ve failed to secure anything.  There’s a whole host of things that could be going on here but of course my mind goes to “oh you’re actually kind of weird looking on camera” or “oh you’re not a very good actress” as the primary things that I’m sure must be happening.

But – you know, I guess I just have to keep submitting and auditioning (and I have to get my hair fixed so I can have a proper headshot).  Honing my work, getting my audition monologues up to par. Keep throwing those gummi bears and see what sticks.

but together, you and I will laugh at last night someday.

No news is not good news, y’all.

No news is just no news.

I’ve actually really enjoyed auditioning for the last handful of things I’ve auditioned for (redundancy, thy name is the Acting Ingenue). The people I’ve auditioned for have been helpful and kind and upbeat and informative, and the auditions themselves have been relatively quick and painless. (With the exception for the one where I waited 3+ hours because it was a call for both Equity and non-Equity. They were still very kind! And the audition itself was very quick! I just have my doubts as to whether or not they even heard me at all after that amount of time listening to people sing. I know by then I was just hungry and tired, not even really nervous anymore, I can’t imagine how they felt.) I’ve felt positive about every one of them, and had my positive feelings reinforced by the feedback I received.

But it still stings when you don’t hear back.  There’s at least two of them that I was told I’ll hear back either way – if I got it or if I didn’t – but I’ve heard nothing so far and that’s still disheartening.

Dear casting directors of the world: even a form letter, I swear, would go a long way.

In any case, because I booked myself so busy for the past couple of weeks I don’t have a ton coming up this week or next (since I didn’t put as much time or effort in to looking for new things), though I do have a couple of things coming up.

Things I would like to keep in mind going forward:

  • don’t lose momentum!
  • I need to audition for more musicals!
  • and maybe choirs or choruses or something?
  • HEADSHOTS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I NEED REAL HEADSHOTS.
  • (which means I need to decide on what to do with my hair)
  • practice practice practice practice practice!
  • if it’s important enough you’ll find a way to keep moving forward.

And with that, the Acting Ingenue, signing off!!

every cadenza delights, every cadence floats.

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So you know, other than the fact that I’m a ridiculous and sometimes embarrassing human being, that audition went well.

I have a feeling I won’t know how that went unless I get it, which is fine!  I think it went okay – the character had changed since I last auditioned, I got to find out what the actual project is, etc etc.

I got through my recorded audition and my Skype audition as well (my laptop does not have a webcam, but I do apparently have a Skype account if you were wondering!). It was my first Skype audition and only my second recorded audition, which – blehhhh, I really hate recorded auditions but that could be because

  • I hate watching my face
  • I hate monologues/not having anyone to read off of
  • I really don’t think I come across well on camera facewise (I FEEL LIKE THIS MAY BE A PROBLEM?)
  • Since I can watch it back over I start analyzing and overanalyzing and wondering “well wait a minute maybe I can’t actually act at all?”
  • related to that, if I’m not pleased with a recording I do it over and over until maybe it actually IS terrible but I can’t actually tell anymore?
  • also, my face.

Anyway.  (It’s amazing how quickly I can go from “wow look at me go! I’m doing things I’m afraid of even though I’m afraid!” to “wow I am a troll, why does anyone let me out of the house?”)

So this week, I have a singing lesson today and then an audition on Thursday.  It’ll be my first audition with any kind of singing in…quite some time, actually, so Maestro has been kind enough to help me run my two cuts of sixteen bars into the ground.  (The neighbors are confused, I’m sure.) Someday soon I should make a post (or gasp! a video!) about my new singing teacher and how much I am learning in and enjoying lessons nowadays!

Life’s pretty good here at Chez Acting Ingenue (well, Chez Muse and Maestro, unless this blog is my house?) and I can’t really ask for anything more.

Sending out love and encouragement and happiness to you all, since I seem to have an excess of it at the moment! ^^;;;

getting so much better all the time.

Eh.

Well, I put off updating for a bit because I actually had a (I thought) quite successful audition a little over a week ago, and was hoping to hear back from them. It doesn’t look likely, though – and may I add that I just hate that trend? Maybe that’s been the case all along for auditions, but nowadays that seems to happen for “regular” job interviews, as well.  I understand that it’s uncomfortable and time consuming, but even a form letter would be nice.

I dream of a day one would get some kind of constructive criticism or feedback from every job interview or audition, but I realize that’s a pipe dream.

Anyway. I never heard back from them, which bummed me out. And it’s still kind of bumming me out!  I will not lie to you! I thought I was a pretty good fit for what they wanted, but someone else must have been better.

One of the things that’s dawned on me lately is the futility of angsting over anything that I can’t change or do anything about. I can’t change my bone structure or my height. I can’t control how other people feel about me or perceive me. I can’t control whether I get a gig or not. I can’t change the fact that I didn’t start taking singing lessons until I was past twenty; I can’t change the fact that my first voice teacher wasn’t really teaching me so much as giving me an opportunity to sing. I can’t change the fact that I didn’t study music earlier in my life. Instead, what I have endeavored to do is:

  • Go for a run or do some yoga. I can change how active I am and how comfortable I am in my body.
  • Study the music theory that Maestro has given me, or practice the guitar. I can progress from where I am now, even though I can’t go back in time.
  • Look for new opportunities and submit for them. I can optimize the time I have now.
  • Practice, practice, practice, practice, practice. Breathing, singing. I can’t go back in time to convince twelve-year-old-me that a beautiful singing voice is something you have to work at, not something you’re just gifted with, but I can improve now.

It’s made an enormous impact on my day to day life, not just in my creative endeavors but in how I conduct myself in lots of other ways.  I know that this is probably not something I will be able to do every day of my life – I’m way too neurotic and angsty not to have these issues crop up again – but it’s something that I am working on doing.

And as with everything else that I’ve been practicing lately, I am getting better.

monovlog: Shelby (Temporary Heroes by David-Matthew Barnes)

(blah blah vimeo blah youtube blah.)

The first installment of my monovlog!  A piece from Temporary Heroes by David-Matthew Barnes; as such, none of these words belong to me.

Continue reading

audition prep 2013: day five! (and four!)

I’m going to confess, I took most of yesterday off from audition prepping.  I know what you’re thinking: SLACKER!  And you’re right. I spent most of yesterday cozied up watching The X-Files with Maestro.  Which was lovely, but doesn’t really help with preparing for auditions other than studying what Gillian Anderson can do with her face.

So today I thought to remedy that!  I’m sure I’ve mentioned here that I have singing anxiety (no, really?) and I feel as though I get most of my practicing done in the car where no-one can hear me.  I’ve actually made a bit of progress in that regard – I can practice at home as long as there’s no one else in the house!  Err, that might not sound like progress, but what if the neighbors hear me??

Today, not only did I practice while there were people in the house – I also recorded my practice!  I deleted it immediately after, but it was huge for me.  For one thing, it’s hard to hear how you actually sound when you’re inside your head, so that was helpful.  But also, I’ve been toying with the idea of doing some kind of vlog, and I thought getting used to the idea of being recorded while I sing (or whatever) would be a good idea.

Unfortunately, I made the mistake of video-recording it, which is why I ended up deleting it immediately afterwards, and now I’m angsting about my appearance.  Perhaaaaps I ought to have forgone that until after my audition on Monday, because now I’m all too aware of how I look while I sing and what I look like on camera (aka what I look like to other people) and I’m…not happy about it, to say the least. :\

I’ve been trying to be better about not indulging my insecurities lately – I’ve wondered if part of the reason I’ve become so insecure is because I’ve been indulging it at every opportunity, voicing it and and not even really trying to fight against it.  But today all I want to do is whine about how I’m not at all pretty from most angles and I have a terrible nose and no jawline and why am I even bothering I’m nowhere near pretty or thin enough to make it in any capacity wah wah wah wah WAHHH.

So even though I just indulged my insecurities, to try and counteract that, I’m going to also mention that I sounded pretty great singing “In My Own Little Corner.”  I feel as though I’m getting a ton more control over my voice.  It used to be that I would sound exactly how I wished sometimes and then other times I would sound like a rusty hinge and I wouldn’t even know why – I had no real technique or control over my voice.  Nowadays, I feel as though I’m getting a lot more, my vibrato isn’t as wide, and in general my musicality has gotten better.

So there’s the silver lining!  Maybe if I get over myself I’ll actually post some kind of audio or video later. Maybe.

a little faith, and a lot of heart.

or: AUDITION PREP 2013!!!!!

As I hinted in my last post, I’ve been giving a lot of thought to the fact that I’ve taken such a long hiatus from performing.  Especially over this summer, I’ve been wondering why I’ve let that fall by the wayside.  I’ve had my reasons – being in school and working full-time does leave me little time to audition and even less time to commit to a rehearsal schedule.

But even before I went back to school, I’d been away from performing for quite some time.  As much as I liked to think that I committed to Pursuing My Dream…did I? I’ve been wondering a lot about that, lately.

In any case, since I’m currently out of a job (thanks, public school system!) I’ve had even more time to think about this lately – and more time to look for and contemplate auditions.  I’ve found a couple that look especially promising and I’ve talked to enough people about them now that I feel as though I’ve absolutely committed to going to them. (It’s amazing what making yourself accountable can do, right?)

But let me get to the point: I haven’t been to an audition in over a YEAR.  I feel as though I have a TON of preparing to do!

  • pick out my audition songs
  • make sure my sheet music is marked appropriately!
  • PRACTICE!!!
  • get out my audition clothes and dancin’ shoes
  • update my resume!
  • …I definitely don’t have time to get new headshots done even though my old ones are so out of date
  • probably a ton of other stuff I’m not thinking of…

So I’ll be updating about that as I get prepared!  (One of these auditions is only A WEEK AWAY, ahh!)

(…ahhhhh!!!)