some days, I don’t even trust myself.

So, here’s the deal, internet.

You may have noticed that I haven’t been around much in the last few months. Basically, since finishing up the Christmas show I did last December and then the Big Audition I had at the beginning of April, there just hasn’t been much to write about.

In all honesty, not getting anything back from that Big Audition made me rethink a lot of what I’ve assumed were my goals. Since that last show in December, I haven’t felt much of an urge to audition, or even to be onstage. I’m not sure if this is actually unusual for me; I feel as though I go through this phase every few years since I’ve been out of a school setting – a year or so where I don’t really feel like auditioning or performing.

It’s got me thinking. I’ve been thinking a lot over the past seven months, or so, about where my priorities really lie.

I’ve always thought to myself that, while I love performing, I don’t know that I really have the temperament for it. It’s not so much that I lack the typical theatre-person flamboyance – I can be melodramatic when I feel like it, though I’m not much of an attention hog – though that does make me feel like the odd girl out in performing and theatre-group situations a lot. That, I could deal with, and have dealt with in the past with varying degrees of success.

It’s more that I just don’t have the drive that I ought to have, if this is Really What I Want to Do With My Life. I think that part of it is fear, if I’m being honest (and why not, really), but part of it is that I don’t want to have to give up the rest of my life for a career that may or may not work out. Which, while I’m being honest, is what would need to happen.

The end result is the same. If I’m too afraid, I won’t audition because I’m afraid. If I can’t be bothered to carve out time to audition or prepare for auditions, I still won’t audition.

It’s strange, because these are all decisions and conclusions I’ve come to already, but actually sitting down and putting them in writing is making my heart hurt. I suppose it’s to be expected; this was my dream for a very long time. I don’t really know how to define myself if I’m not defining myself as an actress, aspiring or amateur or otherwise. If this isn’t what I want to do, what is it that I do want to do?

The one thing that I actually have missed is singing. I miss having the time and money to take singing lessons; it gave me an outlet for singing that didn’t involve performing for anyone but myself and my singing teacher. Alas, at this point in time, I haven’t the funds to start taking singing lessons again. I’ve even left off practicing or singing in the car, which is I think a little sad. Recently I’ve tried to sing to myself, but my voice seems…rusty, for lack of a better word. I suppose not practicing has taken its toll.

Wow, this entry ended up being a lot more depressing than I expected it to be. I think I’m going to leave it here before it gets worse.

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