whatever you wish for, you keep.

In not surprising news, the audition didn’t go as well as I had hoped it might. It was, essentially, a cattle-call and I barely even got looked at among the 200+ people at the audition. I got plenty of good advice from cast members when I went to the parks about continuing workshops and auditions, but that doesn’t exactly help me at the moment. Right now, I have my hopes set on an attractions job so that I’m there to audition again.

I seriously don’t want to talk to anyone about it, least of all the million people I work with that found out about the audition and told me, “you’re going to be SO PERFECT, they will love you!” repeatedly over the last couple of weeks. I’ve barely managed a “oh, well, I don’t know yet!” when they ask me, thinking at least I have an interview for a different job at the Disney parks coming up soon (hopefully).

B’s family helped me keep my mind off everything while I was down there; they too said “oh you’re so PERFECT, you will be wonderful, they will love you!” and were horrified when I didn’t get even a real audition. Thankfully, B and I were so busy the rest of the time that I was down there that I didn’t get much of a chance to mourn. I was too excited about seeing her for the third time in six years or something silly like that!

I’ve burst into tears twice today after talking to people, though I’ve at least managed to get away from them before I start crying. Because now that I’m home and mostly rested, it’s become real to me.

And again I come back to: am I even really cut out for this? This is the reality of show-business, isn’t it? Cattle calls and not even really being told why I’m not being cast, being in a room with two hundred other girls belting as high as they can and realizing there’s nothing that I have that they don’t. I can’t go around crying for days after every audition. Why do I even think this is a good idea for me?

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