pace, pace, o vita mia!

Tuesday I worked on
Batti, batti
V’adoro, pupille
The Willow Song (briefly)

Surprise surprise, the day after a not-great singing lesson I conveniently forget to update.

MP seems to be irritated with me, being stricter than usual and reprimanding me more frequently. Though, of course, that might be me projecting my irritation on to her.

I feel like every time I take two steps forward, I take three steps backward. In general, in my whole life, but performing-wise and singing-wise, especially.

This is a useless entry. The recital is the 15th of next month, and that’s coming up pretty quickly. I need to just concentrate on being better rather than angsting about my life (even though I’m much better at that than at learning to be better).

whatever you wish for, you keep.

In not surprising news, the audition didn’t go as well as I had hoped it might. It was, essentially, a cattle-call and I barely even got looked at among the 200+ people at the audition. I got plenty of good advice from cast members when I went to the parks about continuing workshops and auditions, but that doesn’t exactly help me at the moment. Right now, I have my hopes set on an attractions job so that I’m there to audition again.

I seriously don’t want to talk to anyone about it, least of all the million people I work with that found out about the audition and told me, “you’re going to be SO PERFECT, they will love you!” repeatedly over the last couple of weeks. I’ve barely managed a “oh, well, I don’t know yet!” when they ask me, thinking at least I have an interview for a different job at the Disney parks coming up soon (hopefully).

B’s family helped me keep my mind off everything while I was down there; they too said “oh you’re so PERFECT, you will be wonderful, they will love you!” and were horrified when I didn’t get even a real audition. Thankfully, B and I were so busy the rest of the time that I was down there that I didn’t get much of a chance to mourn. I was too excited about seeing her for the third time in six years or something silly like that!

I’ve burst into tears twice today after talking to people, though I’ve at least managed to get away from them before I start crying. Because now that I’m home and mostly rested, it’s become real to me.

And again I come back to: am I even really cut out for this? This is the reality of show-business, isn’t it? Cattle calls and not even really being told why I’m not being cast, being in a room with two hundred other girls belting as high as they can and realizing there’s nothing that I have that they don’t. I can’t go around crying for days after every audition. Why do I even think this is a good idea for me?

in dreams, you will lose your heartaches.

Today I worked on
Once Upon a Dream, Disney’s Sleeping Beauty
A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes, Disney’s Cinderella
The Willow Song, The Ballad of Baby Doe

Today’s singing lesson went well, and I actually enjoyed myself. (Those are two totally separate things sometimes.) MP and I did a lot of chatting about what would be expected of me in case they did want me to sing at my audition, which frankly I’m pretty sure they won’t, but it’s always good to be prepared just in case.

One of the best things I did at this lesson was to figure out how to do my downward placement properly. I’ve been practicing on my own in the shower (with humming! I still haven’t gotten over my omg-someone-might-hear issue) and in the car, but it’s good to know that I’m actually doing it right. It feels right, and I can tell when I’m doing it properly, which is fantastic. It’s just a bad habit I need to break at this point rather than “oh no I have no idea what she wants me to do or how to do it!”

In other news, I am completely and utterly in love with The Willow Song. I wish I could really explain why. It’s so different from what I normally would be attracted to, singing-wise; normally I’m attracted to the soubrette roles or the lighter lyric/coloratura arias. Not that The Willow Song is dark or really dramatic, it’s just…sad and contemplative and plaintive, and I love that. MP keeps slyly pushing it as my recital piece. (“So we’re going to look at The Willow Song, and speaking of the recital…”)

For the past couple of weeks, the student MP has after me (a high-school-age boy) has been coming in early and just sitting and listening to the end of my lesson. I have a sneaking suspicion MP told him it would be good for him to do that, as I can’t imagine him actually wanting to come in early to hear me? It’s somewhat unnerving (hi my name is j and I have issues singing in front of people!), but at the same time it’s also good practice! I guess! He was actually surprisingly sweet about my singing, which was…nice. (I think I hid behind my hands at some point and mumbled thank-you because I’m physically unable to take a compliment gracefully.)

Tomorrow night at this time I’ll be sitting on an airplane going to Florida. (I’ll be a little less than forty-five minutes from landing.) And forty-eight hours from now I’ll know how my audition went and if I feel I can be proud of it. I really hope that I can at least come away saying that I did my best, that I didn’t freeze up and that I didn’t act meek and underconfident. Maybe I am meek and underconfident, but they don’t need to know that! Disney Heroines and Disney Princesses aren’t unsure of their lot in life or what they want, and those are the parts I’ll be playing while I’m there.

Wish me luck! (But in a theatre-appropriate sort of way.) <3

pray, tell him I am weeping too.

good to remember!

Today I worked on
Once Upon a Dream
A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes, from Disney’s Cinderella
The Willow Song, The Ballad of Baby Doe
V’adoro, Pupille

I also brought along “Part of Your World,” from The Little Mermaid, but MP played through a couple of pages and said, “no, this is too low for you.” She amended that it was partially that and partially that I don’t have a strong pop or musical theatre belt. Okay, I don’t have any belt at all, period.

Basically what it comes down to is this: I have a voice (such as it is) that is good (for certain values of good) for only a certain few things. Old-school Disney Princess music happens to fall in that very narrow niche, while the newer-school Disney Princess stuff is tougher because I find it difficult to let go and belt.

We also worked on “V’adoro, Pupille” again, one of my favorites. Except I forgot to work on my ornamentation, haha. Oops. She sang through “The Willow Song” with me, as I wasn’t as familiar with that one, and I think I’m actually going to like singing that one, it’s just gorgeous.

Since I got my headshots today, and with them some samples up on Facebook where my dear friend and photographer mentioned what I’m going to be auditioning for, I guess the cat is out of the bag. I’m going down to Florida to audition to work in Disney World. (Augh, I feel queasy even admitting that on this blog! It just goes to show how deeply-held my superstitions are, I guess.) (I guess looking at my musical choices for the past few weeks makes this one super obvious, though.) I’m not super optimistic, considering how incredibly competitive it must be, but everyone I’ve talked to about it seems to think it would be a perfect fit. I do have the right personality, at least!

And I leave you with some food for thought: Part 1Part 2
Literally the sweetest thing I have ever seen.