to find where I belong.

You know, I’m starting to realize that it’s difficult for me to write this blog for a few reasons.

Reasons It Is Difficult For Me To Write This Blog
1. I have a very hard time being objective about myself.
2. I am incredibly superstitious.

Reason #2 is the reason I want to talk about today. I actually have a couple of different auditions coming up fairly soon, and the opportunity to go to many more, since I now have a vehicle again. However, I’m extremely hesitant to talk about either of them – what they’re for, what I’m planning on doing for either of them – because, I suppose, I am afraid of jinxing myself.

I’ve mentioned this before, that actors as a group are fairly superstitious (“the Scottish play”, the fact that every theatre has a ghost, before-show rituals that rival any professional athlete’s pre-game ritual). I think I go above and beyond in this measure: if acting talent were proportional to superstitiousness (which may not actually be a word), I would be Kate Winslet. I don’t like talking about what I’m auditioning for before I audition, I don’t like talking about what material I’m preparing for an audition even if it has nothing to do with what I’m auditioning for. Oftentimes, I don’t even tell the people in my life that I’m auditioning for something until after it’s over and done with. And honestly, I think that’s been the most difficult part of keeping up with this blog (being unable to get to auditions notwithstanding). The fact that I find it very difficult to talk about auditioning and preparing for auditions in turn makes it tricky for me to write about auditions even obliquely.

Though I wonder, has this really gotten me terribly far in the past? It’s not as though my superstitions are helping me to get jobs, so why do I hold on to them? I suppose it ties into the fact that if I don’t talk about the auditions before they happen, no-one will ask me how they went or if I got the part I auditioned for and I won’t have to be ashamed of myself.

Is that terrible? Is that cheating myself out of potential growth experiences? Is that me deciding not to own what I’m doing? I think maybe it is, a little bit. Maybe I ought to talk openly about auditions I’m planning on going to, psych myself out of the mystique they hold for me. Perhaps if I talk about them more often, they’ll become less scary. That, frankly, telling people that I didn’t get the part I auditioned for isn’t going to kill me. (Though sometimes it feels as though I might die of embarrassment…)

One of my auditions is for an acting academy in New York. They need to contact me to schedule the audition, but I need to have two monologues prepared. I’ve selected one of them but haven’t really decided on the other yet. Unfortunately, I don’t feel as though I can talk about the second one simply I’m not sure what their policy about blogging is like and I’d rather err on the side of caution (employment-wise and superstition-wise, interestingly!). That audition is coming up first; maybe I will end up writing a severely-edited version of events if I feel up to it.

On the plus side, I’ll at least have something to talk about a week from now: I’m starting singing lessons up again!

…have I ever mentioned how much I love parentheses?

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