I heard back from my PLEASE DO NOT BEND audition, and I didn’t get it.
I’m disappointed that it didn’t work out, but I’m not surprised in the least. Frankly, it was a bit of a long shot, considering how many people they had audition and how little experience I have with such things. It’s to be expected that I don’t get about 99% of what I audition for, and if I had a car I wouldn’t have put all my metaphorical eggs in one metaphorical basket for this summer. I scheduled this audition before the accident, so I was committed to doing it and rented the car to get there. After the accident I didn’t feel as though I ought to keep scheduling auditions that I wasn’t sure that I would be able to make (never mind making it to rehearsals).
And then I wonder, if I actually wanted this, why do I continually undermine myself?
Though of course this leads me to start thinking about what I’m supposedly trying to do with my life, and I wonder if it’s even worth it. I do often wonder if I have the right constitution for a career like this; every missed audition (and even some auditions I do get!) makes me wonder if I ought to even bother. Why should it work out for me when there are so many other people out there that it didn’t work out for? I’m not more talented than they are, I’m not more driven or ambitious or even more charismatic or more attractive.
Why should I get singled out? Do I even have the ambition neccessary to get somewhere where I can be noticed? I don’t know. I feel as though I’m afraid of everything; even contemplating going out to live my own life scares me, and it always has. Every time I take two steps forward, out of the nest and into my own life, I take three steps back and find myself exactly where I was when I began.
I guess what it comes down to is that it’s the only thing I really love doing, and the only talent I have. If I can’t make it work, what will I do?