told you from the start.

I heard back from my PLEASE DO NOT BEND audition, and I didn’t get it.

I’m disappointed that it didn’t work out, but I’m not surprised in the least. Frankly, it was a bit of a long shot, considering how many people they had audition and how little experience I have with such things. It’s to be expected that I don’t get about 99% of what I audition for, and if I had a car I wouldn’t have put all my metaphorical eggs in one metaphorical basket for this summer. I scheduled this audition before the accident, so I was committed to doing it and rented the car to get there. After the accident I didn’t feel as though I ought to keep scheduling auditions that I wasn’t sure that I would be able to make (never mind making it to rehearsals).

And then I wonder, if I actually wanted this, why do I continually undermine myself?

Though of course this leads me to start thinking about what I’m supposedly trying to do with my life, and I wonder if it’s even worth it. I do often wonder if I have the right constitution for a career like this; every missed audition (and even some auditions I do get!) makes me wonder if I ought to even bother. Why should it work out for me when there are so many other people out there that it didn’t work out for? I’m not more talented than they are, I’m not more driven or ambitious or even more charismatic or more attractive.

Why should I get singled out? Do I even have the ambition neccessary to get somewhere where I can be noticed? I don’t know. I feel as though I’m afraid of everything; even contemplating going out to live my own life scares me, and it always has. Every time I take two steps forward, out of the nest and into my own life, I take three steps back and find myself exactly where I was when I began.

I guess what it comes down to is that it’s the only thing I really love doing, and the only talent I have. If I can’t make it work, what will I do?

like a lightning bolt.

Yesterday was my PLEASE DO NOT BEND audition!

The audition was for a place up in New Hampshire for summer stock, which is something I’ve never actually done before. I’d always been working during the summers, or too afraid, or had some other excuse to keep me from even trying to audition (“they wouldn’t cast me anyway, I’m too [insert adjective here]”).

If nothing else, the events of the past year or so have removed a lot of the reasons I kept myself from auditioning, from taking chances. Now the only reason I don’t take chances is cowardice and crippling self-doubt! Which is enough, I suppose.

It was a bunch of firsts all at once: first time renting a car, first time to the place I was auditioning (both the city and the actual theatre), first audition for summer stock. As I mentioned previously, they sent over a set of monologues from the shows they’re doing this summer, and we were asked to prepare two of them with the potential for reading some of the others.

I tried to pick the two most contrasting monologues to prepare in advance – one from a more modern play and the other from the Shakespeare play they’re doing. The first character is significantly younger than me, and the second character more worldly, which was something else to take into consideration.

It was a long drive up for what seemed like a fairly short audition process. (It always seems so much shorter than it actually is, since the time leading up to it goes so slowly, and then immediately speeds up when you get in front of the casting directors!) It’s always worth it, of course! They had me read what I had prepared for them; once I’d done that they gave me a bit of direction on each one and had me read again. They also had me read a different character, which is great – I sort of wished that I’d had the opportunity to read all the monologues they provided, they’re all such fantastic choices and characters!

Hopefully it went as well as I think it did – if nothing else, I think I showed that I take direction well! I should hear back about that by the end of the month, so I will keep everyone posted! In the meantime, I have other monologues I need to start working on! <3

I see you drivin’ ’round town with the girl I love.

Ugh!

I haven’t been updating this because there hasn’t been anything to update with, really! Such are the trials and tribulations of not having a car. (My car is definitely done for, by the way – R.I.P. César! – I’m looking into getting a functional car off Craigslist to have for the summer, at least.)

So what have I been doing all this time that I haven’t been performing or auditioning or anything of the sort? Mostly working at my boring day job, trying not to fall asleep too early when I do get home.

Last week, I did get to record again with L and PC. We re-recorded the vocal tracks for “Ridin’ Solo” (with bonus ~opera voice~!) (no, I am not kidding!) and started on a version of Cee-Lo Green’s “F**k You,” which is going to be pretty amazing once it all comes together. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to impose upon his work, since he does need to use that time for actual money-making endeavors, but it’s very nice of him to humor me for now.

(PC once again did that thing where he can hear a song twice and then play it back perfectly on the piano, which is both amazing to me and also irritating. I wish I were talented like that!)

Next week, I’m going to have to rent a car for the day to get to an audition on Tuesday. I’m anxious and excited about it; I really hope it goes well. This is the audition I had to send the PLEASE DO NOT BEND package to, so they’ve pre-screened my resume and headshot already and they sent back a set of monologues for the shows they’re auditioning that I had to choose from.

Normally – as you might have noticed – I don’t talk about what show I’m auditioning for, nor which part I’m planning on auditioning for. Actors are a superstitious lot, not to mention I’m also Irish and Catholic, which compounds it! I might end up talking about these parts, simply because it’s a totally different audition process than I’m used to!

…but not today. Hee!