>"stop being such a coward."

>I’m starting to think maybe I should just write this stuff down in a paper journal because I can perhaps be a bit more long-winded and honest with myself there. It’s easier to scribble words down on a piece of paper than look at them in black and white on a computer screen. Or something.

Yesterday’s rehearsal was disastrous, for me. In general, it went well (the first act, especially). But my singing was terrible, basically through the whole thing. We started off working on “Our Little World” and I sounded awful and had issues with things I’ve never had issues with before (the aah-aah-aahs in the beginning and middle?! seriously??) and then C got all huffy with me (like, “what is your problem today!”) and it threw me off for the rest of the rehearsal, it seemed like. I couldn’t get any of the aah-aah-aahs for the rest of the run, for some reason. I might be (probably am!) getting sick, but that’s no excuse for getting shaken once during a rehearsal and then letting it affect the rest of my performance. What is wrong with me indeed.

Part of that might be the fact that I spent the night before with PC and L recording “Ridin’ Solo” with L on ukelele and both of us on vocals (and then making PC record the ~*~soulful piano version~*~ of the same after L went home, which was both legitimately awesome and incredibly hilarious, especially him spelling out “S-O-L-O” during the bridge).

Listening to my voice played back at me like that always unnerves me – I’ve only done it once before but last time it made me feel awful. This time it wasn’t as bad because it was both me and L and we were basically goofing off and not taking it too seriously. It came out pretty cute and he might be able to make something good out of the raw materials we recorded with him. (It sounds awesome with the accordion synths.)

After that PC and I talked about lots of things but eventually came around to the fact that the reason I don’t sound like I want to sound when I sing is because I’m afraid of it, that I’m afraid of “owning it,” is the way he put it. (Especially anything even the slightest bit outside my (teeny tiny) comfort zone.) And he’s right, I want to sing it “right” and “well,” but I don’t put any heart into it. I thought that I had started to get over that but I guess not, because clearly I was still feeling the effects of being shaken like that the next day, with C setting me off again.

I made mention of this, obliquely, earlier in this journal saying “why can’t I act when I sing?” I’m not having too much of an issue with it for Into the Woods because most of my acting while I’m singing consists of “blank and happy” or “blank and kind of crazy” anyway. But singing with MP on arias and such, it’s too hard for me to get past the I HAVE TO DO THIS PROPERLY fears and instincts to even try to emote. And that’s what it is, it’s fear: down at the base of the thing, it is fear.

I was going to go on about the fact that I am awful and shouldn’t try but that is not productive at all so I won’t.

>la tua povera Zerlina

>on the 4th I worked on
V’Adoro Pupille
Batti, Batti O Bel Masetto

Blah, I forgot to write in here this week. I’ve been sleeping most of the week because I feel awful, but I should have written anyway.

I definitely felt rusty getting back to singing lessons after two weeks away. (Frankly, I did not keep on top of it while I was away, so it’s not that surprising.) I relapsed back into the old way of making faces at myself and nervous-fidgeting when I wasn’t doing things properly. Batti, Batti felt okay but V’Adoro Pupille didn’t feel that great in parts. Plus, I didn’t work on ornamentation at all (for V’Adoro Pupille) because it is so incredibly frightening to me.

As for rehearsals, they are going okay. I just need to learn the words to “Our Little World” and I should be fine because I’m really not having that much of an issue with the music. It’s just remembering where the words go, and in what order. And trusting my instincts.

>le vostre faville son grate nel sen

>I worked on
V’Adoro Pupille (again!)

And I guess I never wrote about this or thought about it very much! I remember MP really wanted me to start working on ornamentation, which is primarily a confidence and musicality confidence issue. It’s scary, therefore I would rather not. She said it was scary for her, too, but still. :(

Rehearsals have been fine. Not terribly exciting, we’re currently in the “okay now I have to remember all my lines and blocking and music and do it in the right order oh gosh” phase where you’re not quite comfortable with the book out of your hands just yet.

A tiny little personal victory: I sent an email about replacing Cinderella, since our Cinderella had to drop out. I’m still not really speaking to my mother over the fact that she told me “this is only community theatre and you can’t even handle that, you’ll never be able to handle it in real life.” But I did it. And I was told that it was being taken care of but thank you for offering and I bet you would make a great Cinderella. So…there’s that, at least? No-one seems to have been offended by my offering, and things haven’t been awkward since I did…

I’m still not going to tell my mother.