>to fix, to hide, to move, to battle… to see what the trouble is.

>I am almost hesitant to write right now because I didn’t do very well at rehearsal tonight and I am very down on myself for it. So fair warning, this might be a very gloomy entry.

(I know, I know: bad dress rehearsal, good show. But all I can think right now is that I wish we had a rehearsal tomorrow night!)

I am messing up so badly with my ah-ah-ah~!s on almost every turn, and I don’t know why! I honestly never really had a problem during rehearsal unless no-one ever corrected me before and I’m way more tone-deaf than I thought I was. (I suppose that’s possible, though I’m fairly certain I’m tone deaf anyway and oh lord why did I ever think that singing in front of people was a good idea?) I’m honestly kicking myself for messing up so badly and am considering having one of our ensemble sprites (we have a five-person ensemble that are dressed as woodsprites; they are uniformly amazing) to sing my part for me instead.

I was originally fairly pleased to get this role simply because I don’t think I’d ever done a part that was mainly singing or mainly depended upon my singing voice. I’ve always been a better actress than I was a singer, and I’m not even saying I’m all that great of an actress. (Why do I want to do this with my life again?)

In any case, I was always “the girl that can act, oh and if she needs to sing she can do that too” and not “the girl with the great voice.” I’ve had multiple friends with legitimately fantastic voices and I’ve always felt I’ve had to work a lot harder to even sound pleasant at all. (Which has always been upsetting to me; if I could have any one innate talent it would be to have a lovely singing voice.) Recently, with MP’s help, I’ve been gaining more confidence when it comes to singing, but obviously it’s possibly false and not actually earned confidence.

I need to stop that now. I can go on thinking that but writing it down is probably a bad idea.

On the brighter side, our Baker’s Wife told me about an audition that’s coming up that sounds interesting. (The next show the company I’m doing Into the Woods with is doing is Guys and Dolls, which – frankly, I would love to play Sarah Brown but it’s not going to happen.) I’ve had my eye on a couple of others, so hopefully I won’t have too much downtime after this show is over.

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