when the snow lay round about, deep and crisp and even.

I have been deep, deep into self-loathing mode for the past couple of weeks, at least as far as singing (and acting, and Oh God What Am I Doing With My Life Someone Please Just Throw Me Off A Cliff So I Don’t Need To Make Decisions) goes. Which is why I haven’t been updating, despite the fact that yet more progress has been made on the Secret Government Eggo Project and the Christmas show goes up this weekend.

I figured no-one would want to hear about how yet another session went by where I started off with the highest of hopes but then plummeted back down into the valley of self-loathing and decided to call off the project entirely, only to have a fight with PC and decide not to abandon it after all. I figured no-one would want to hear yet again about how I loathe the sound of my own singing voice. And I’m probably right, so that’s the last of it (FOR NOW, she intoned ominously).

So! Progress actually HAS been made on the SGEP, and this week we’re looking to work almost every day to get my contributions (such as they are) all wrapped up. And then the magic of trying to make it sound good starts, a task that I do not envy. (Hahaha I lied about being done with the self-loathing.)

This weekend is the first weekend of the Christmas show – yay! We have dress rehearsal on Thursday and then the show starts again! I am looking forward to it, while also trying to keep an ear to the ground for anything that might be coming up soon. I am enjoying this – I mean, come on, I’m getting paid to play a teenaged Amy March at this point and sit around a beautiful historical house for a couple of hours in costume – but I look forward to getting to audition for things again, as well.

Oh, and someone contacted me about – essentially – doing photoshoots for a graphic novel, which might be interesting! I have to do a little bit of research and then also dig up my high-quality headshots to send along (as an “audition”). Note to self: remember to do that tonight. That might be fun, if I did get it!

Tonight, though, PC and I get down to business to defeat the huns to finish up the SGEP. I will stay positive! I will, I will!

shut your eyes and sing to me.

809334th verse, same as the first.

I probably don’t need to regale you all yet again with the tales of my low self-esteem and various Issues with my singing voice, but I’m going to force myself to do it anyway because maybe addressing some of these issues will help me sort them out.

…aaaand of course after I write that I immediately distract myself with something else. Good job there.

you hear the door slam and realize there’s nowhere left to run.

And with that, the Halloween season is over, and my stint at my first paid acting job is up.

I am sad to see it go, though it is a different sadness than the sadness that comes after a weekend’s worth of performances. Having two or three months of rehearsal and then just a weekend of performance time is (I think) one of the injustices of community theatre. I understand why it happens – renting the space is always very expensive – but it seems such an awful lot of work and bonding only to not see those people again after just a weekend!

With a month-long run and not an awful lot of rehearsal time (and the fact that I’m always That Weird Girl in a cast & don’t like to go out drinking), there wasn’t as much bonding, and we did the show every five-ten minutes for four hours three nights a week, so I definitely feel like I got to perform a lot. And mainly isolated – only a couple of people had scenes with each other rather than monologues. So it was a very different experience! I enjoyed it, most definitely, and I will miss it – but I am also grateful for a short break!

Thankfully I’ll be returning to the same place to be a part of the Christmas show, so I won’t have to miss it for too long. That, and I am thrilled that I already have something professional lined up for the next season. I am pleased that our director liked me enough to want me to come back!

It looks like those rehearsals will start up next week, but it’s a similar rehearsal schedule as this last show (that is, minimal). Since the scene I’m in is from Little Women, I do have my sisters (hee!) to rehearse with, so that will be fun! The shows are shorter, and there aren’t as many of them – thank goodness, since I don’t want to miss the entire Christmas season like I did the Halloween season! – but it will definitely be fun, too!

Plus, now work must begin in earnest on our Secret Government Eggo Project if it’s to be ready for Christmas! <3

I could have been a famous singer, if I had someone else’s voice.

I feel that the title of this post is pretty self-explanatory (though it is also a song lyric).

Sunday night – and it was night, my maestro is quite nocturnal – PC and I began our Secret Government Eggo Project. I, of course, began with a sense of trepidaton bordering on full-blown panic. With my heart in my throat, fingers vibrating with fear, I asked him “why? Why? Why is this so scary?” (Sometimes I repeat things three times for no reason.)

“I can’t answer that for you,” he said, and took my hand. I clutched at him and he squeezed my hand just hard enough to hurt. And away we went.

(I didn’t hold his hand the entire time, though, he did have to conduct me. Which, strangely, helps.)

In any case, I didn’t wheedle my way out of it completely (I can be very convincing when I am afraid of doing something!) and we got a lot of good material despite it being past midnight when we finished. All in all, it was more exhausting than the four-hour shift I had at my show the night previous.

If I keep doing this, maybe it will be like driving – I start off petrified and panicky, but eventually it won’t be that big of a deal to me. Like driving, I’ll still be constantly vigilant (because if you do driving wrong you can, you know, die), but I will be more comfortable and less inclined to panicked crying. One can only hope.

He really is very patient with me, he’s somehow struck the balance between not letting me get away with anything and not wounding my delicate flower feelings. (Delicate floral feelings?) I’m enjoying it, so far – the work that he’s done is beautiful, as usual, and I enjoy working with him. I just hope I’m not ruining it completely with my voice. D:

hold on: one more time, with feeling.

So, uh, I guess I never did write how opening weekend went! Oops!

Opening weekend went really well! It was nice, the first weekend is shorter than subsequent weekends (7:30-9:30 as opposed to 7-11), so it was like easing in to what the rest of the month is going to be like. I do have to stock up on cough drops (I’m talking near-constantly for the entire time I’m there!) but other than that, I really like it! You can see everyone you’re talking to, which is different than being onstage – it’s basically people standing in a room with you. It can make it a little bit awkward when you’re looking out at people and some of them are wide-eyed and hanging on your every word and then others are whispering to the person next to them.

Or when you have a famous person in the audience, which happened Saturday night. I had been warned beforehand but still when I saw a face that was familiar from movies and television I sort of got a bit of a mental jolt. My character is supposed to be a bit flustered anyway, so hopefully that worked out all right! Unfortunately, the gentleman in question had to listen to my monologue twice because the person in the room after mine got backlogged and about half of his group got stuck. So: sorry, famous guy! Hopefully I was entertaining on the second go-round as well as the first.

That happened for three or four groups on Saturday night, actually, which is definitely the most awkward situation that I’ve had thus far (seeing half of the same group when I walk into my room again, looking awkward and trying to get up the secret staircase to the next room). Thankfully, the director had a talk with the person after me in the show and helped her find a way to streamline everything so that we don’t get backlog anymore. (Also, it’s more fun when the group doesn’t know there’s a secret staircase in the room!) Everything in the show is timed really, really carefully, so that when one person takes a minute longer than they should, there’s a ripple effect affecting the rooms that come prior to them and breaks the whole rhythm of the show. Sunday night, we definitely did not have that issue: we had a steady flow of people and zero backlog!

In other news, I haven’t had a singing lesson in SO LONG and I really need to have another one soon. Between getting sick, the wedding, and this show going up (and being exhausted all the time) I haven’t had a spare moment to email GG. Maybe next week! Hopefully next week.

In other other news, since we’ve both been sick and busy and also doing regular relationshippy stuff (shock! horror!), PC and I haven’t had the chance to start on our Secret Government Eggo Project yet. He mentioned the other night that he was going to start working on one of the first songs so hopefully soon!

would you not rather have your precious little ingenue?

Tonight is opening night for the show in Salem!

Last night was dress rehearsal, and due to the living museum nature of the show, we all got a chance to walk through and see everyone else’s scenes. It was wonderful to finally get into the space we’ll be performing in, and getting a feel for the entire show. We’ve all heard each other do our monologues before, but this was the first time we got to see it in the actual space, which does indeed make a difference.

It’s interesting, because the book the show is based on is set in the actual house we’re performing in – it gives it an extra layer of authenticity. Add in how creaky and dark some of the rooms are, and the secret staircases!, and you have a recipe for a very unsettling but fun show.

I’m nervous, but mostly just tired! The shows this weekend are shorter than usual, so it’ll be a nice ease-in to the rest of what this month is going to be like. Traffic is already horrendous getting in and out of Salem, but that’s sort of to be expected, isn’t it?

In related exciting news, the director spoke with me last night about coming back to do the Christmas show – she’d like me to play Amy in Little Women! YAY!! :D

breathing’s just a rhythm.

So, four days before a wedding that I am in and about a week before opening night of a show I am really excited about is prrrrrrrrrrobably the worst time to get sick, right?

Blech.

I have to blame this one on myself, though; between rehearsals, the Secret Government Eggo Project, the minimal help I’ve done with the wedding (sadface!), work and having a new relationship and not sleeping very much (or eating properly, for that matter), I’ve made myself ill. Burning the candle at both ends. I’ve been making up the sleep this week, though, and hopefully I can convince myself to eat something later today.

Note to self: DON’T DO THIS AGAIN.